Planning My Next Steps

The past couple of days have been better. To place that in some sort of context, I've basically been sleeping for days on end and feeling basically overwhelmed and stuck.

So, when I say that I visited with friends and shaved, I am talking about a transformation.

As I broaden my perspective of my situation, I basically see that the marketing industry continues to grow based on VC funding for technologies which essentially seem to allow for rapid (scaleable) adoption of automation technologies which eliminate human error, time, and confusion. A secondary and related level seems to be such technologies which allow for detailed tracking and reporting, but those seem to be less exciting by comparison.

Tomorrow, I'll investigate this broad pattern further to best understand the landscape and where I could possibly fit into it.

What It Means To Be Aggressive

I've been thinking a lot more about what it means to be a killer and thinking about the killers in my career and life - and the ones I know work with. I see two big patterns working in reverse of each other:

1. ambivalence>procrastination>delays>financial misses: everyone can play until the money runs out. And it will.
2. aggressive is clarity>quick, thorough planning>on-the-fly-optimization/fixes>spin-the-wins and move on.

#2 is all about being quick and thorough but not letting the abstract get in the way of being on time or being successful. It's about being conscious of always winning and moving forward and not letting anything get in the way of that. 'As an agency leader, I was allowing #1 to occur all the time.

I Am (Now) A Killer

Today, I drove out to the western MA location of the agency I run and laid off five of 12 people. Sales are down, costs are up, these people are not working as effectively as we need them to. One, a salesperson, completely fucked us by not performing.

If I didn't take such drastic action we'd probably be out of business in a matter of weeks.

On the ride back, I began thinking about all the times that I was laid off and all the times that I saw my own performance as slow by comparison to "killers" who seemed to wait for no apologies or accommodations in meeting their goals. If I had executed a similar lay-off a month ago, we'd be in better shape now.

But, I waited for something better to happen.

Killers dont compromise. They may collaborate or cajole, but in the spirit of quickly moving things forward. 24 hours ago, I came to the conclusion that I had to take action. Last night, I had built consensus from the team who will remain.

This morning, I delivered the news to everyone. Monday we start fresh.

Today I became a Killer and I'm never going back.

Peeling back the layers

My youngest woke me up this morning and here I am, 5:45 wide awake.

For some reason, as soon as I awoke, I started running in my head how many times I've been fired over the years. I ran through my most recent career - say over the past 10 years or so, but then, to be thorough, went back to the very beginning of my professional career.

My first job was a co-op position during high school. I was fired for incompetence. There was another co-op position, which I was fired from, but I cant remember very much - just that I had to be a typesetter and I didn't know how to type. I was also sloppy and rushed in my work. That was 1983.

Over the next 27 years, I would be fired a total of nine times. Just imagine getting fired every three years. I would quit jobs where I was having a tough time (and probably in line to get fired) a total of three times. There are more than a dozen positions missing from my resume.

My "continual climb of success" career story is so well-worn that I've forgotten what a mess it actually is. Gratefully, I've learned quite a bit from each position, no matter how miserable or unsuccessful. The reality is, however, that the vast majority of people who've employed me wouldn't do it again.

During this time, my friendships and romances have essentially been a disaster. I've had very few friends over the years that I didn't try to become some other version of myself. My current marriage gets steadily worse year after year, where I wonder how much more time we have left. My first marriage ended in divorce after just a few months. The relationships I had prior were mostly angry (see the previous post), or fraudulent (pretending to be someone else), or passive-aggressive.

But hey, I'm entertaining. I can tell a good story when I'm not being verbose. I can be sensitive and caring after I've yelled at someone. I can sound very experienced...

While it may seem like I'm beating myself up, I'm actually just coming to terms with the facts. Fired every three years. A string of failed or failing relationships and friendships. What does that say about me??

There are times when I think about suicide, especially when I cant imagine getting hired again or my marriage failing. I just think about everything coming to an end because I simply cant see a way forward.

I would love to end this post with a solution, but I just dont have one right now. I think this is just a necessary step forward. I have to come to terms with who I really am.

Hoping and Praying

I've fully transitioned into the role of social entrepreneur, I find my environment lacking in so many ways. For me, at least, starting over always has the unintended consequence of arriving without resources. You think I'd be used to it by now.

The nice thing, is that I am becoming better and better every day. I'm definitely much more my own person. I'm more considerate and even-tempered. I am way more responsible. And, I have a lot more awareness around being a whole person, v. a work machine. All good things.

I just need to be patient, I guess. Continue the process that got me to this point, and be patient with it. I just wish I was fully established NOW.

Breathe

The economy is wiping out your business and hurting your chances for employment

- breathe

Your wife has been laid off and she's 4 months pregnant

- breathe

She's not interested in your work situation and she wont talk about hers

- breathe

You work harder to keep your job and try every resourceful thing you can think of - but it doesnt look good

-breathe

more on the 25yr plan

I woke up thinking about my ideal work environment this am.

As I look back on my career, I see a clear profile that I find appealing on financial, personal and professional levels.

* Kind, wise, and visionary leadership
* a culture that is friendly, builds frinedships inside and outside the org. It's non-isolated; being connected is part of every person's jobIt has traditions and norms that consistently support this (i.e . ppl are measured on it). The biz IDs ways to 'give back' to it's ee's such as discounts on needed items.

* the results/deliverables are necessary and measurable.
* there is a clear path to success and promotion.
* the business is postioned on the 'crest of the wave' at all times
* the businees is dedicated to excellence
* ee's quality of life is improved by the working there.

I want to be the Live Nation of the NonProfit world (or at least I think i do right now). I dont know how to really make this happen, exactly, but I have ideas:

- go virtual for as long as possible to keep costs down.
- spend lots of time understanding the industry, the business, etc. and building up a network, so when it's time to launch, the results are achievable.

I just did a quick search for non-profit consulting in boston, and found over a quarter million results. I bet using LinkedIn and Google, maybe even Facebook, I can probably ID several who will give me a informational phone interview.

Within a year, I'd love to have a great business plan. My first task is to build out the unmet need of the industry.

Narcicsm and Leadership

I can see why narcicistic leaders prevail a lot of the time. They are absolute in their determination to stay in charge and in control. And, while their leadership is sloppy to say the least, it works. A touchdown is a touchdown, no matter how goofy-looking.

As I think about my own leadership potential and the future organization I may build, I realize why ppl would want to become involved. they want a better quality of life. They want to provide for their lifestyles and families. They want to improve their potential and skills. They want to make more money so they have options and security. They want to do what they love. And, they want to work and live by the same values.

If those values are admirable and effective, I can imagine the quality of the work enviroment and deliverables would be very very high.

The trouble is, work environment values are often not admirable whatsoever - and yet they are effective. That environment is dooming b/c business' primary success metric is effectiveness.

I think I can have both (admirable values and effective deliverables); but it requires careful planning and high ethics. It also relies a bit on finding like-minded people, which is a moral hazard. So is the group-think that follows.


I'm proud of my growth and I think I can create something that is better than what I've experienced in the past. The business model just has to be very sound and strong.

30 yr plan

For a long time, the hard climb to VP was all I thought about. Then, having acheived it - and fatherhood - I paused to acclimate. I still have a lot more acclimation ahead of me, but now that I've gotten used to being a VP for a little while, I'm beginning to finally think about the future.

I'm 42 now, and supposedly still going to work for another 30 years. Depending on which Tarot card or palm reader I visit, I'm supposed to live until 89. That gives me 30 years to build enough wealth to pay for at least one wedding and college education + sustain a reasonable lifestyle for 17 years. Hopefully, I stay fit and healthy for that whole time.

Right now, I know I need to choose an industry that best reflects my values. Settling on one industry will allow me to garner more momentum - and all the advantages that it posesses (efficiency, profits, relationships, etc)

I also know I want some sort of 'annuity' where my investment pays on top of whatever 401k retirement plans we have going. Owning an agency comes to mind, for obvious reasons and I have some very early thoughts on that which I am exploring. As well, I need to somehow develop a better quality of life for myself and my family.

Man, there's a LOT to accomplish in such a short time. 2038 is right around the corner!

the next new thing?

I think the world of marketing and media is going to go through a HUGE seachange along with everything else.

It makes sense that it would, given the depth and pervasiveness of the 'democritization' of things.

I like what Live Nation is doing alot and am investigating it more...

Ring of Fire

This morning I was thinking about the various personal initiatives that I've started and not continued. Essentially, I came to realize that I've always needed outside, emotional support to get big or new things done. Without that, I sink into inaction, no matter how detrimental that may be.

It's like my ego is stuctured so that it comes alive when nutured. I think about the string of women in my 20's, my addiction to TV, my sales and client service experience -- all of it is following the same pattern. I need to hear that everything is good about me, so I can get motiviated to do more. In the past few years, I've allowed the promise? of such kudos to be motivating, but that's less powerful.

Basically, if I dont get external gratification, I dont want to participate.

I think that's why I'm so unhappy a lot of the time at the office. Yes, I am working on tactical, non-creative, uncomplicated projects 90% of the time, but I think my real pain is that I'm getting no love. I'm not working on deals and getting lots of peer and prospect approvals.

I think my true self is a creative person. The ideas that come to me, the visions I have, are all very 'new' and interesting. I keep repeating this same story of finding people and environments that make me feel good, but that dont allow me to explore and create.

Moreover, as I look back at my friendships over the years, I can see that I've attracted similar types of ppl. They want me to stimulate them. And I do so, in ways that seem to require me to play a role, and not be myself. After so many years of being inauthentic, I get burnt out and I withdraw. They're not feeding my ego anymore, and I'm sending a message to myself that my true self is not important.

I am very grateful to have realized this, but I am faced with a challege: how do I accept my ego and re-direct it to be more self-sufficient, without allowing it to once again become so strong that it's the way I (falsely) define everything.

Invested in the Outcome

Last few posts have been about my attitudes about being invested in the outome and not knowing the path fwd, necessarily.

I just saw a video about movie editing and listening to people talk about their work, hearing lines like "i feel like i get payed to play. it's not about specifics, its about creating an emotional ride."

It would be natural to assume that a marketing role such as mine would be a good balance of the commercial and the creative enterprise. It's not.

Yet, I dont want to be a starving artist. I have a family to take care of.

I think i see a future which integrates all the things i need and love.

writing stories.

It's what i've done my whole life. It's what came naturally to me as a little boy, on rainy days and sunny days. I would see story archs, characters, fantastic events and try to create stories that captured them.

I've never seriously considered this as a future, b/c I learned early to negotiate with weakness and gave up on a writing career at 12 yrs old, when I was too afraid of getting picked on, to go to my own high school. I chose to go to a trade school instead, where i could recast myself as someone new. Little did i know how much that would alter my career path - and how little it would help me not get picked on.

I've had a story in my head for a while now. A nice little love triangle drama.

Hmmm.

Where the F are we going?

This blog was started to chronicle my progression from essentially a victim of circumstance- past and present - to being a captain of my own life. Now, over two years later, I am facing the same sorts of issues, compunded by my parental responsibilities.

My primary effort was to focus on my career. To rise up the ladder and get into a position where I would give myself the freedom to make the right decsions for myself, my friends, and my family.

Secondarily, I made a big push to become enlightened, which I define as being free from worldly bs: caring about what ppl think about me; wanting to keep up with the jones's; not falling into depression and isolation. It's also fountain for love and understanding in dealing with others.

Back then, I thought I could be both. I remember joining What is Enlightenment and talking about how I wanted affluence and englightenment. I remember their patient and gracious reponses - talking about how difficult and perhaps unnecessary that goal was.

I now realize that I dont want both. I just want enlightenment, as I currently understand it. The pursuit of affluence, i now realize, just creates a constant struggle for survival. Possessions become something that have to be defended and focus on them is too great. It pulls one away from love and family, i think.

Survival, however, is no fantastic thing, and I have no idea how to 'survive' in the physical sense (not to mention how to provide that for my family) if I were to openly pursue enlightenment. I want to be a better person. I want to be with my family and connect specifically with humanity and generally with God's creations. I want my little child to be a strong, loving, transcendant person who is a great friend, lover, mother, wife - a whole person not defined by her posessions or career title. My wife wants these same things, but somehow we're not connecting on this topic.

So, onward i work. stuggling to survive, seperated from love, at a shared income of $300k. How absurd.

There's a better life waiting for us. A life that let's us travel; a life that gives us plenty of time to deepen relationships with friends and family; a life that encourages us to ask the big questions and share the answers; a life that is filled with growth and meaning. An enlightened life.

There are obstacles to this life, though.

• We dont know how much money need


• We dont have any clarity on what an enlightened life looks like


• We dont have any precedent on the pragmatic aspects of an enlightened life


• We need a grip on our financials


• We're probably too worried what other ppl think


• Obviously, we have no plan fwd

I'm not 'The Go-to'

We all know that person. The go-to. The One Who Gets Things Done. They're accomplished and can be trusted to following things through

Typically, that's not me. I'm the one who has good ideas about a lot of things. When it comes to 'delivering the goods' however, I fumble or dissapear.

This is the feedback I received at work a few weeks ago (and immediately changed my approach, btw) and this is the feedback I'm receiving at home. I wish I could say (for my own dignity) that this was new to me.

But, (big sigh) it's not.

Why? There are a dozen reasons. I've been insecure. I've been lazy. I've been disconnected from the outcome. I didnt understand. I hoped someone would take care of it. I dodged it completely so I could do something else. I was depressed and immobile. I was unorganized. I didnt think it mattered one way or the other.

Whatever. None of the above is a good excuse or reason for not being the go-to for things that pertain to my job or my family- not to mention my friends, too.

I've been complaining that the world is not a nice place, but I'm essentially not doing a damn thing about my part in this world. If I dont change, it wont either.

In an earlier post, I speculated that this job may be a kind of 'boot camp' for something greater. I was right. It's a bootcamp for being the go-to.

The Secret

I was deconstructing The Secret ( http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219064496&sr=8-1 ) and was fast coming to the conclusion that it was very 'external' in nature. That these things ppl were getting, were all from the outside - new car, career, house, etc.

Since my last few posts, I've been very conscious of possessions, and so thinking about The Secret gave me a mixed set of feelings that I can be generating positive vibes, but within a materialistic context.

I keep asking myself - what will i be doing in 10 20 30 years?? I've worked hard to get where I am, but it feels empty.

All last night and this am, I was praying about this and hoping I'd come to some sort of realization about what my goals for the future should be. Then I realized some things:

I am afraid of myself.

I dont treat myself well - mostly b/c of the bs I subscribe to. After conteomplating it, i dont really have anything to be afraid of. I think it's just old habits and old memories that make me think I'm afraid.

Actually as I think of it, I really don't treat myself well at all. Again, here's an opportunity to look at that statement through an enlightenment context. So, if I was going to treat myself well, I'd not create issues for myself by not thinking things through. I'd think them through to the logical conclusion. I'd also find the energy to do nice things for myself that could reap rewards now and in the future.

I'd look at my whole self, my family included, and think about their treatment also. The primary thought fueling all of this would be LOVE and I would create within me and around me a focus on living well, within an enlightenment context.

It's the cool side project I've been looking for, and it's THE gateway to the bigger questions I've been asking about my future.

a HA

I've been at this job for neaerly a year without any real inspiration or empathy for the audience. My 'task' has been essentially to optimize the marketing spend. While I was entertained to pursue the 'big idea', the reality has been otherwise.

It's just not commonsense to try to come up with that catalytic concept. PPl think in 'work' terms, as in, what can i 'work on' to get stuff done.

I'm going to reverse -engineer a fucking turn-around based on other successful turns, and build my crew of creative thinkers who can help me generate an emotional brand. And, I'm going to do it with a compelling business case.

in out

a couple of nights ago, i listened to a meditation tape that called for 'breathing in pain (mine and others') and breathing out compassion.

It was an AWESOME way to explain how to confront the previously unconfrontable. My whole life, I've been avoiding ANYthing that has to do with facing various issues, mostly havinig to do with taking personal responsibility for not thinking things through to their logical outcome. This is where the new behavior of doing the work of worry comes in, and that's very helpful.

Empathizing with others, then releasing it with compassion is a much more profound way of embracing enlightenment while also taking responsibility for follow-through. Breathe in pain. Breathe out compassion.

While I loved, loved, loved the tape, it also seared my brain and I had a very hard time not falling -ok, jumping - off the wagon. I spent a lot of time with porn vids.

It's very disapointing, and shows how far I have to go, still.

The next tape had two questions at the end of it. Something about what am I saying to God with my being. This popped into my head:

I dont know; I dont care; I'm alone.

also very dissapointing.

I'm eager to dig into this, despite the above. It represents an amazing set of growth opportunities on many levels.

I also find myself clinging to the idea that somewhere, somebody wants to fuck my brains out and deliver all of my sexual fantasies. It's bullshit, and a hold over from all that wasted time day dreaming online. It's especially bullshit, since I'm not willing to take any action whatsoever to make it reality.

Mediation is the best way forward. It's helped me a lot so far. I've been praying instead of fantasizing and I can really feel the difference in my self-talk. I want to pursue this and have an enlighted life.

Why do I want to get laid so badly??

Enlightenment

It's funny how I'm here. When I started this path, i decided that I really wanted to be in a 'performance' work environment, that I wanted to make a lot of money, and that i wanted to be free from the BS constrains of my current boss.

So I'm here, but i realize - through the process of learning about enlightenment - that my compass was a bit off. I wanted to be rich and enlightened. I didnt realize that those two things are practically opposites of one another, since being enlightened is to trust in the greater flow of consiousness and being rich is to accumulate stuff.

Desipte my income - which has more than doubled since 06 - i still feel like I'm not getting paid enough to deal with the stresses of this job. It's not rewarding at all, and since i'm still in my early 40's, this is just the beginning.

I still have 20 or 25 years ahead of me, and when I think about my profession and my career path during that time frame, i really just dont care. No passionate aspirations come to mind, no visions of grandeur or jacob's ladder of responsibility and perks. When I think of the future, i just see a blank canvas. Or, more ingratitude for a even greater amount of work and saccrifice on my part.

It's just not worth it.

But, what else is?

I've been thinking about some of the patterns I've experienced in my life, and the most obvious is that I can set a course and keep it. I can set out to accomplish a big goal - like being VP of Marketing, making $170k + bonus - and reach it.
That's intersting and gratifying, but as I think about my path toward enlightenment, i wonder how important setting and reaching goals actually is.

Another thought I've had, (and maybe blogged about) is the idea that maybe this job is just a bootcamp to teach me to be more present and disciplined. Naturally I dont want to get fired, so I'm really focused on rising to that challenge, on a personal level.

Lots of questions... no answers yet...

Money, Money, Monaaaay

I had a very productive meeting with my financial planner the other night. Mulling over things, I'd decided on a very ambitious goal for my wife and I. When I shared it with him, he ran some numbers, and as a result, it looks like we can hit it within 10 years.

He's going to pull together a plan, but essentially, we need to grow by 8% each year.

It's very exciting to think of ways to grow our wealth and take care of some life goals. I still haven't forgotten about helping out Africa in some meaningful way. 23 of the world's poorest countries are in Africa.

Anyway, i began to think of money, and my situation, and my future, and Turquoise. Always thinking about Turquoise.

Recently, a local, larger agency reached out to me. They asked for my dream job description. Here's what I wrote to them:

Brief Spec Position Description in Two Phases.

First, evangelizing and cross-selling complementary services and establishing clear measurement between marketing vehicles. The results would mean more revenue and hopefully greater inter-agency collaboration.

Next, using the above capabilites, demonstrate how the Agency's marketing efforts generate additional results via word-of-mouth activity.

Word-of-mouth referrals are consistently perceived as the most credible source of information, over tv, the web, email, print and all other vehicles. No other agency (that I’m aware of) has demonstrated the correlation between its programs and additional referral-generated memberships and/or revenue. You could.


If there’s time, here’s a bit more detail.

My mission would be to help the Agency maximize its capabilities and leverage them to help place the agency above other choices in the category.

Phase One, The Platform: up-sell and cross-sell as many offerings to as many clients as possible.
* Cross-pollenization - Work with account teams to show how complementary the Agency's offerings specifically support the objectives of the client.
* Offline/ Online Measurement- Using existing the Agency's capabilities, help establish clear paths of measurement that demonstrate how offline programs impact online programs - and vise versa.

Taking it to the Next Level.
With the platform clearly established and some success stories under our collective belts, it would seem that we have a shared opportunity to take things to the next level in a big way.

At this point the Agency will be able to demonstrate a solid track record in measuring the effect of its integrated campaigns components on each other. It will also be able to show how the specific marketing vehicle combinations delivered superior results.

That’s the platform. No more discussions about the online world and the offline world. It’ll just be the consumer world, and how various offerings can be knowledgably applied to support that world.


Phase Two, Agency Momentum: the Agency + Client Marketplace = $$$, WoM

No campaign measurement tool (that I’m aware of) can track in-person conversations over the phone or in an elevator. Yet, word-of-mouth referrals remain incredibly valuable.

With the Agency's measurement capabilities and its integrated prowess there would seem to be a distinct opportunity to establish ‘tracking events’ for the express purpose of understanding what generates word-of-mouth referrals for particular clients.

You can’t measure how many people told their friends and colleagues about your client, but you can measure how many called a secret phone number, attended a password-only event, or visited a blind web page.

Measuring what vehicles compelled them is measuring the evidence of the word-of-mouth generated, and can provide clear directional information on how new and existing consumers internalized the client’s brand. It also provides additional marketing and revenue opportunities for the Agency's and its clients.

Sharing such information with the client would likely help the Agency's gain greater revenue and loyalty, while also creating an authentic competitive advantage as THE agency that demonstrates the immense added value of word-of-mouth metrics.

Here's the deal: Word of Mouth happens for three main reasons 1) things are very, very good 2) things are bad or 3) something novel has occured.
Designing ongoing word-of-mouth marketing programs that reinforce strong leadership and Turquoise values can be my path away from less-evolved environments and toward success. WoM conducted in this way also allows me to:
-"brand" myself, so that I build a reputation separate from any particular company. Accordingly, my reputation for Turquoise values and WoM efficacy would be easily recognizable as a more evolved approach to money-making.
- gain an authentic form of stability. Since the job market rises and falls with the economic tides, this proven skillset (particularly in the online space) would mitigate against recession