Last night and this morning I prayed to get more of a clue about time management and balance. I wanted to get a clearer picture of what and how I could create more time for myself, so I could spend it with my family and think deeply about our path.
I was feeling trapped in my schedule and knew intuitively that I needed to 'optimize' my demanding worklife to create a few extra hours each week. I was also feeling burned out and recognized that I kind of have a singular focus about work that leaves me exhausted after 6 weeks or so.
The pattern continues with me reducing my hours and not pushing so hard for a week or so, then returning to devoting all my time to work for another period of about 6 weeks. Since much of this pattern is driven by my own choices and much is driven by external work forces (boss' demands, specific oblications, etc.,) it's a very powerful pattern that i cannot seem to break. Again and again, I seem to find work environments that are very demanding in this way. I walk myself into my prison and lock the door behind me.
And it IS locked, so I can point to it and say 'look, I'm the victim. I can't get past this locked door!'
I do this because I feel compelled to, for some reason. I feel like it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. It feels very familiar, even comfortable to be the prisoner, and that scares the hell out of me. I dont want to keep recreating new prisons. I certainly dont want to set that example for my wife and child to follow. Thinking about it in that way is very scary.
When I work late or during a weekend, I feel so sad, but also purposeful. It's like I'm being a martyr or something. I kind of expect sympathy (come to think of it) and yet as I reflect on this, the reactions I remember getting from ppl is more like 'that guy is crazy, or has his priorities all mixed up.'
Referencing another post, I've often heard people asking 'what's up with his apparent lack of execution and attention to details?'
Seeing these words on the page here, all I can think of is, " this guy is such a martyr, but nothing is getting done?? why???'
Part of my issue is that I dont often really feel personally invested in the outcome of my actions. (That's another insight from my prayer last night) I need to pray on that some more, b/c I'm not totally sure why that is. I can guess that i'm not invested in the outcome b/c I'm such a victim and so 'institutionalized'.
I definitely need to pray on that more.
Within that frameset, I look to hedonistic indulgences, be that sleeping in on days full of deliverables or fantasizing about having miscellaneous sexual needs met. I am like on a throne, awaiting to be served, and frustrated and sad that I am not being catered to. I am a martyr; a victim; a pussy and a patsy, and it's worked for me.
In my mind, it's all one big lump of time, with all the same low-value on a personal level.
But its not all the same time, I now so clearly realize. I can see that I've used hedonistic fantasy and slothfulness and lack of planning to passive-agressivly grab time from ppl to whom I give too much power.
Speaking of which, I need to be careful to focus on my energies on true enlightenment pursuits. I cannot just find a new parent for my needs, I must plan and execute the steps needed to create a wonderful, balanced, loving life.
Right away, I feel the meditative prayer is a key starting point. Physicality and physical health is next.
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