That's just me

For years I struggled with the pain, confusion, and related emotions resulting from the way I was raised. Partly, I think I was convinced that I was fundamentally flawed, like permanently punished.

I was also convinced that there were healthy people out there who had lives free from such pain and confusion, who were happy and wholesome, and quite able to take advantage of life's many opportunities.

I am now beginning to realize that I will live the rest of my days with the flaws of my childhood. I will always have the dead weight of those days inside of me. The best I can do is deal with them, cope with them like an alcoholic or junkie. Always in 'recovery' never recovered.

xxx watch is watching

Today, I succumbed to temptation, surfed some porn and masturbated like a stupid little monkey.

I am committed to removing this from my habits. So, I downloaded the free software, which will drop a dime on my behavior should I do it again. I am disappointed in myself and saddened by my failure to follow through. But, I wont let myself fall down permanently.

I did realize that maybe I got 'horny' and I struggled against the urge for a while, but I ultimately gave in. Later, I realized that I may have been facing another conflict - the one between actually working and resting. I was so tired in the morning from yet another poor night's sleep, that I really didnt feel up to sitting at my computer and typing for several hours. I limped through some stuff, but I was just dog-tired. Can someone be passive-aggressive toward themselves?

In retrospect, I should have just listened to my body, and either took a nap and worked out or something. I would have overcome the urge and taken pride in two successes. Instead, I felt absolutely terrible for betraying God and my promise to him.

In the movie Missionary Positions - another awesome Christian flick (this one's a documentary) they talk about the addiction ppl face regarding porn, and have a free app, called 3x watch, which essentially grabs the web browser file and emails it to an accountability buddy. I downloaded it.

When my wife came home and saw me chilling on the sofa, she noticed a funny look on my face and asked what I was feeling. I honestly spilled the beans. She didnt really mind and noted that if we had a better relationship she'd feel more comfortable having sex with me. 'you wouldn't have to do that if we had sex, and I know that I cant do stuff (recovering from the pregnancy), but I still could do stuff to you... but I just, I just don't feel comfortable at this point," was how she put it.

Later that night, we talked about it more and really there wasn't much more to say, except that I've been a selfish jerk to her - even as I proclaim to want a healthy and happy marriage.

May God forgive me for my actions and help me understand how to remove porn and sexual fantasies from my life.

meditative prayer insights

Last night and this morning I prayed to get more of a clue about time management and balance. I wanted to get a clearer picture of what and how I could create more time for myself, so I could spend it with my family and think deeply about our path.

I was feeling trapped in my schedule and knew intuitively that I needed to 'optimize' my demanding worklife to create a few extra hours each week. I was also feeling burned out and recognized that I kind of have a singular focus about work that leaves me exhausted after 6 weeks or so.

The pattern continues with me reducing my hours and not pushing so hard for a week or so, then returning to devoting all my time to work for another period of about 6 weeks. Since much of this pattern is driven by my own choices and much is driven by external work forces (boss' demands, specific oblications, etc.,) it's a very powerful pattern that i cannot seem to break. Again and again, I seem to find work environments that are very demanding in this way. I walk myself into my prison and lock the door behind me.

And it IS locked, so I can point to it and say 'look, I'm the victim. I can't get past this locked door!'

I do this because I feel compelled to, for some reason. I feel like it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. It feels very familiar, even comfortable to be the prisoner, and that scares the hell out of me. I dont want to keep recreating new prisons. I certainly dont want to set that example for my wife and child to follow. Thinking about it in that way is very scary.

When I work late or during a weekend, I feel so sad, but also purposeful. It's like I'm being a martyr or something. I kind of expect sympathy (come to think of it) and yet as I reflect on this, the reactions I remember getting from ppl is more like 'that guy is crazy, or has his priorities all mixed up.'

Referencing another post, I've often heard people asking 'what's up with his apparent lack of execution and attention to details?'

Seeing these words on the page here, all I can think of is, " this guy is such a martyr, but nothing is getting done?? why???'

Part of my issue is that I dont often really feel personally invested in the outcome of my actions. (That's another insight from my prayer last night) I need to pray on that some more, b/c I'm not totally sure why that is. I can guess that i'm not invested in the outcome b/c I'm such a victim and so 'institutionalized'.

I definitely need to pray on that more.

Within that frameset, I look to hedonistic indulgences, be that sleeping in on days full of deliverables or fantasizing about having miscellaneous sexual needs met. I am like on a throne, awaiting to be served, and frustrated and sad that I am not being catered to. I am a martyr; a victim; a pussy and a patsy, and it's worked for me.

In my mind, it's all one big lump of time, with all the same low-value on a personal level.

But its not all the same time, I now so clearly realize. I can see that I've used hedonistic fantasy and slothfulness and lack of planning to passive-agressivly grab time from ppl to whom I give too much power.

Speaking of which, I need to be careful to focus on my energies on true enlightenment pursuits. I cannot just find a new parent for my needs, I must plan and execute the steps needed to create a wonderful, balanced, loving life.

Right away, I feel the meditative prayer is a key starting point. Physicality and physical health is next.

Compassionate Exchange

I just was listening to the podcast Compassionate Exchange and another one about meditation. When I think about my little prison that I've created for myself, it's clear to me that I'm in prison from love and true compassion.

i dont have compassion for myself at all.