Ring of Fire

This morning I was thinking about the various personal initiatives that I've started and not continued. Essentially, I came to realize that I've always needed outside, emotional support to get big or new things done. Without that, I sink into inaction, no matter how detrimental that may be.

It's like my ego is stuctured so that it comes alive when nutured. I think about the string of women in my 20's, my addiction to TV, my sales and client service experience -- all of it is following the same pattern. I need to hear that everything is good about me, so I can get motiviated to do more. In the past few years, I've allowed the promise? of such kudos to be motivating, but that's less powerful.

Basically, if I dont get external gratification, I dont want to participate.

I think that's why I'm so unhappy a lot of the time at the office. Yes, I am working on tactical, non-creative, uncomplicated projects 90% of the time, but I think my real pain is that I'm getting no love. I'm not working on deals and getting lots of peer and prospect approvals.

I think my true self is a creative person. The ideas that come to me, the visions I have, are all very 'new' and interesting. I keep repeating this same story of finding people and environments that make me feel good, but that dont allow me to explore and create.

Moreover, as I look back at my friendships over the years, I can see that I've attracted similar types of ppl. They want me to stimulate them. And I do so, in ways that seem to require me to play a role, and not be myself. After so many years of being inauthentic, I get burnt out and I withdraw. They're not feeding my ego anymore, and I'm sending a message to myself that my true self is not important.

I am very grateful to have realized this, but I am faced with a challege: how do I accept my ego and re-direct it to be more self-sufficient, without allowing it to once again become so strong that it's the way I (falsely) define everything.