Ego

I woke up this am to realize that the ego only recognizes itself in others and in situations. It cannot, therefore, have any kind of perspective beyond things that look like itself.

It cannot, therefore, be relied upon for anything, despite the feeling that its "power" is worthwhile in some very significant way.

Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

Last week was difficult. I have to say that working alone is starting to take a negative effect on me, but that's relatively minor.

The reality is, I would very much like to spend my days and nights in my own head fantasizing about hot chicks coming on to me. It's hugely pathetic, given how much I have going on.

It's also the result of a decades-long battle to find self-esteem via relationships with women (see prior posts).

Last week, I watched porn almost every day and indulged in some level of fantasy, even though I was quick to 'get it over with'

Yes, it's very hard not having sex with my wife, and despite the fact that all this is very pathetic, it's also understandable that I have basic needs for sex and intimacy, which, despite great progress that I'll blog about later, still are not being met.

To confront and minimize this ego-indulging issue, I've been in an ongoing state of prayer and meditation during free moments, like just falling asleep or waking up. The more I embed my higher self into my thoughts the better I operate and the more energy I have. When I indulge my ego, I slip into drudgery, bitterness, and procrastination.

FYI, I'm teetering as I type this. Like I said, pathetic...

Ring of Fire

This morning I was thinking about the various personal initiatives that I've started and not continued. Essentially, I came to realize that I've always needed outside, emotional support to get big or new things done. Without that, I sink into inaction, no matter how detrimental that may be.

It's like my ego is stuctured so that it comes alive when nutured. I think about the string of women in my 20's, my addiction to TV, my sales and client service experience -- all of it is following the same pattern. I need to hear that everything is good about me, so I can get motiviated to do more. In the past few years, I've allowed the promise? of such kudos to be motivating, but that's less powerful.

Basically, if I dont get external gratification, I dont want to participate.

I think that's why I'm so unhappy a lot of the time at the office. Yes, I am working on tactical, non-creative, uncomplicated projects 90% of the time, but I think my real pain is that I'm getting no love. I'm not working on deals and getting lots of peer and prospect approvals.

I think my true self is a creative person. The ideas that come to me, the visions I have, are all very 'new' and interesting. I keep repeating this same story of finding people and environments that make me feel good, but that dont allow me to explore and create.

Moreover, as I look back at my friendships over the years, I can see that I've attracted similar types of ppl. They want me to stimulate them. And I do so, in ways that seem to require me to play a role, and not be myself. After so many years of being inauthentic, I get burnt out and I withdraw. They're not feeding my ego anymore, and I'm sending a message to myself that my true self is not important.

I am very grateful to have realized this, but I am faced with a challege: how do I accept my ego and re-direct it to be more self-sufficient, without allowing it to once again become so strong that it's the way I (falsely) define everything.

Hedonism and gravity

I continue to think deeply about the hedonistic tendencies of the ego.

Dont change - that's work and it's threatening. Always find a reason to exist. be superior. no pain- unless it's a badge of honor. Indulge Indulge indulge - in fantasy behavior, tv, movies, emotions, laziness, delusions and denial.

I can see how my ego and hedonistic leanings have stalled my growth. I can also see how it's pushed my ambitions in ways that dont really make sense.

I need to figure out what I really want from this life and how i can make a better contribution to my wife and family. Essentially, I have three main resources: time, energy, and money. Instead of pushing so hard I am exhausted, lonely, broke (from indulgences and mis-spending) and alienated from anything meaningful, I think I need to look at Maslow's again and rethink my priorities.

Why have I (do we) make "survival" such a moving target?

Easier Said Than Done

Today was a baaaaad day. So much is happening to me and I wanted to talk about it with my wife.

She wanted to eat her breakfast.

I dont know why, but I allowed myself to buy into the lie again, "she doesnt love you, dude."

We spent the day feeling really tense and all I wanted to do was run away from my "fraudulent" life. After a while, I started feeling really cagey and anxious. I kept asking her questions and not believing the answers. Hour after hour things got worse, until, exhausted, I simply fell asleep. She did too, after crying a lot.

When I awoke, she was looking at me, trying to reach out to me. Eventually, I told her this story:

A few years ago, i went to a healing Mass at a NH church. Like many of the movies my friends recommend or take me to, I didnt know much, just that "it would be cool."

The Mass started typically... several parishoners dotted the large church. I remember a very poignant sermon. At the end of the Mass, the priest announced that their would be a healing ceremony, and we could all stay if we liked.

Since I was invited, I remained seated, and carefully watched the expressions of the people leaving. Their faces didnt reveal anything; i was hoping to get a glimpse of what might happen from a few "former customers." oh well

The priest began to speak again and outlined what would happen. Parishoners would return to the altar, as in the communion ceremoney. He would pray over each parishioner, and they would become filled with the Spirit. Some may need to lie down. Some may fall. They'd be 'catchers' on stand-by, to prevent injury.

I joined the penguin-walkers in the line of 20 ppl headed to the altar. Some people were already glowing - an expression I remembered well from my altar boy days in the 70's. There used to be this lady - she always lifted up her arms during prayer - and she'd sing the loudest and tears would be streaming down her face. I only intellectually understood that she was filled with something special, but I never really 'got it'. She always had a glowing expression, too.

At first, I couldnt see a thing, which was unusual for a Communion line. Not wanting to crane my neck out like a friggin tourist, I simply inched forward, and waited to inch forward again.

After what seemed like way too long, I realized that I was just three people away from the priest, and I saw what was happening. Actually, there were several lines to the altar, and he was running from one to the next praying over people. They were dropping into peoples arms. Some were ... vibrating, is the only way i can describe it.

I was next.

He moved close to me, and dipped his fingers in oil blessed by something or someone connected with St. Jude. ( sorry, that's all i can remember).

"Do you believe in Jesus Christ, the Son of God, your one and true savior?"

Now was the time for a decision. I'd been ambivalent about the whole Jesus thing. The diddling little boys scandal was just beginning to break, and my faith in the Church was also. But, this was not the time to examine multiple angles of things.

"yes," I said, quickly.

"Do you renounce Satan and all his works?"

"Yes" again, quickly.

"Do you....." I dont really remember exactly what happened next, but that sounds much more dramatic that what actually happened. What actually happened was that he asked me a few more questions and prayed over me, and I swear, I felt electric and warm all over.

Then whooosh, it filled me and yeah, it really did make sense to let someone catch me. The priest looked at me and said, "Just let it wash over you." and so i did.

Later, he asked me to return to the parish to meet with him in private. All red flags went up, but I resisted the impulse to shit on what had just happened.

The next weekend, we sat in his office, going over the points of my life and discussing areas about my religion that confused me. Then he asked if I wanted to address these deeper issues. We began a healing process that lifted things out of me. It truly did feel like 'healing' in that I was being spiritually repaired.

He gave me a blessed medal (St. Christopher?) which I immediately put around my neck. That night, as I tried to lay sleeping, it felt like the medal was burning me. I felt very claustrophobic and anxious. It was very strange and unsettling. It was like Evil was PISSED over what I had done, and was fighting back for my soul.

The summer sun set in to black, and, like a little boy afraid of what's in the closet, I kept my eyes shut tight. I was too afraid to open them and see the owners of the whispers that were just beyond hearing.

Creepy, right?

Over the next few weeks and months, my dedication to my new-found spirituality waned, then dissapeared. I joined a church group, only to find a bunch of guys whining about life. I told my friends, who compared my experiences to a Seinfeld episode (http://www.seinfeldscripts.com/TheConversion.htm) or simply tried their best to be polite.

Without any reinforcement, my experience faded into memory.

I knew what was happening. Evil won. I didnt DO anything. Whatever gift I was given to share a connection with others and the Supreme, was lost. But, I didnt feel the struggle between forces anymore, either. And that presented it's own kind of relief.

Today, I felt the struggle again. Evil does not want me to evolve. Or, maybe there's another way to look at it: Cohen says that "Ego is an anti-evolutionary force of powerful inertia in human nature—attached to the past, terrified of change, and seeking only to preserve the status quo." http://www.andrewcohen.org/teachings/ego.asp

As I reflect on my self-righteous behavior with my wife, and my healing experience, I know what I have to do.