despair

When I was very little, after a beating, I said to God, "I used to be a good little boy before, but now I am bad, very bad." It was like I was accepting a curse into my heart.

I've been thinking alot about that moment over the past few months, and today I woke up realizing that that moment of accepting despair into my heart has remained with me for the whole of my life.

It's so easy for kids to pick on someone who's accepted defeat. It's so easy to see how life's issues are like a straw on the camel's back for me. Now I understand why I feel as though my burdens are unfair. They are. I am unfairly accepting defeat and unfairly wanting others to give me sympathy or relief.

This blog is my 'go for it' chronicle and yet I've been trying to pursue excellence while ignoring the weight of despair on my soul.

If excellent is reached, it's not sustainable.