If one's parents become the universal world view of one's life, it therefore makes sense to me that I keep trying to take my despair to others, as if to say, "fix this! You did this! Fix it NOW."
Of course I've treated others poorly and let friendships slide. I've wanted all my life to find someone, something that'll fix it. Fix the despair triggered by my childhood. When they can't I move fwd with a fantasy of what perfectness life should be, or onto a new group of friends who'll humor me.
I've been thinking about old psychological labels I've received throughout my adult life and the most common is Borderline Personality Disorder.
According to this one site I possibly need lengthy treatment.
It also confirms that while my wife has not been very ... affectionate or flexible, she is both triggering my (ugh am I really admitting to this??) disorder while also in some accidental way treating it.
My job is also like that.
Perhaps that is what all relationships are - a source of psychological pain and progress. (our choice, of course, to remain focused on earning progress).
I may have come to this conclusion before and shared it with others, but I dont think I ever believed it more than I do now. There just always seemed to be other reasons. And by 'other' I mean others, like my parents.
Isnt there some sort of procedure ending in the term 'ectomy' that would free me of this?
I do need to decide on a real plan of action.
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