Coping

Yesterday, I had a revelation that a big part of the reason why my marriage is still on the ropes is because I spent so much time 'indulging' in escapist fantasies, anger, & denial. I thought I was trying to fix things, but I couldn't if I was harboring so much and not cultivating any interest in rising above the issues in which I was participating.

When my wife and I met, we actively presented a picture of who we wanted to be. And, we only saw the most favorable parts in each other. She was my coping/escape from a very painful divorce and I was her escape from a bad breakup.

In May, a year later, when I was laid off from a plumb job, I tarnished my "successful at everything" image with her. We began to grow slightly apart and I dove into my day dreams. Instead of looking at things as they are - instead of being present - I simply attempted to cope.

Obviously, that's what I did throughout my 20's too - coped and escaped as I was reeling from a nightmare childhood. Naturally, that created a perfect scenario wherein I would meet my ex-wife and abandon any thought of pursuing truth.

Being fully present is my main focus now.

Reflecting on the above, this could be the first time I actually am here.

the LIfespan of Ducks

If one's parents become the universal world view of one's life, it therefore makes sense to me that I keep trying to take my despair to others, as if to say, "fix this! You did this! Fix it NOW."

Of course I've treated others poorly and let friendships slide. I've wanted all my life to find someone, something that'll fix it. Fix the despair triggered by my childhood. When they can't I move fwd with a fantasy of what perfectness life should be, or onto a new group of friends who'll humor me.

I've been thinking about old psychological labels I've received throughout my adult life and the most common is Borderline Personality Disorder.

According to this one site I possibly need lengthy treatment.

It also confirms that while my wife has not been very ... affectionate or flexible, she is both triggering my (ugh am I really admitting to this??) disorder while also in some accidental way treating it.

My job is also like that.

Perhaps that is what all relationships are - a source of psychological pain and progress. (our choice, of course, to remain focused on earning progress).

I may have come to this conclusion before and shared it with others, but I dont think I ever believed it more than I do now. There just always seemed to be other reasons. And by 'other' I mean others, like my parents.

Isnt there some sort of procedure ending in the term 'ectomy' that would free me of this?


I do need to decide on a real plan of action.

despair

When I was very little, after a beating, I said to God, "I used to be a good little boy before, but now I am bad, very bad." It was like I was accepting a curse into my heart.

I've been thinking alot about that moment over the past few months, and today I woke up realizing that that moment of accepting despair into my heart has remained with me for the whole of my life.

It's so easy for kids to pick on someone who's accepted defeat. It's so easy to see how life's issues are like a straw on the camel's back for me. Now I understand why I feel as though my burdens are unfair. They are. I am unfairly accepting defeat and unfairly wanting others to give me sympathy or relief.

This blog is my 'go for it' chronicle and yet I've been trying to pursue excellence while ignoring the weight of despair on my soul.

If excellent is reached, it's not sustainable.