Now we're both laid off.
Last night I yelled at my wife, telling her how difficult it was to continue not feeling her love.
I've felt so trapped and in pain for so long - several years now. I keep bringing my issues to her and she does nothing.
How can someone who loves you do nothing when presented with issues like that??
To make matters worse, when she told me that oral sex was tough, in part due to the fact that 'we're not better' it just threw me. I asked her about what it would take to get better and she just stared at the TV.
That was the last straw and I threw my ring at her and yelled at her. I said her behavior was disgusting and it was an insult to our marriage, me, and her.After years of deeply hurting me, ignoring me, ignoring my requests to get closer... it was just too much. I am so tired of feeling less than her and feeling lonely and frustrated. We've had sex maybe 10 times in the past 3 years. We went an entire year - maybe more like 13 months without sex. That's just not healthy.
She never tried to improve things. I've gone to her repeatedly with ideas on how to get closer and she's NEVER followed through with any of them. She'll start something but not really participate. When I've asked her to pick a course of action that she's more comfortable with, she doesnt. She's never apologized for her behavior.
Nothing says "I DONT love you" more than her actions.I honestly think this is what she's wanted all along. I also think that at some point she became very dissapointed in who I am and stopped loving me - specifically, stopped being open to me. I noticed this and reacted in all the wrong ways and that gave her the excuse to retreat further.
Such has been the cycle since maybe 2002/03.
I think about the mission of this blog and it pains me to think that, instead of shaking off my medicracy, I'm desitined for it. I knew going after her was reaching beyond my league, but I knew that I loved her deeply. As crazy as she makes me, as often as she deeply hurts me, I love her more than ever. That's why I get so frustrated and angry, ironically. How can I love someone who treats me this why?
Why doesnt she love me?? WHY?!
I dont know what's going to happen now. I still hold out hope that she'll decide to love me, but it's a very small hope, overshadowed by years of her indifference and inaction. I just wish i new the right combination of things that would bring us together and put all this behind us.
It probably doesnt exist for me, but hopefully I'm wrong.
I'm not really sure what my next steps are, which is bad. I wasnt planning on being 'broken' last night and I can only imagine an array of outcomes, almost all of which are very negative.
I feel so ... damaged. I'm damaged goods, as my Dad used to say. Maybe that's what she thinks too. And no matter how I try to think otherwise or to try overcoming this, I keep getting pulled back to ground zero where everything is completely unstable, and I'm miserable.
I know in my heart there has to be another way to be. I'll pray on that and maybe I'll see the answer.
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