As we were

We just came back from a trip to Fl. to see my folks. We were there nine days, living in the same small apartment.

It's been over 20 years since I lived with my folks and during that time, I have:
- spent thousands on therapy
- wrote a letter explaining why I felt betrayed by my upbringing
- left my family for about a year
- lost many girlfriends and friends, and jobs, for that matter
- grew old
- traveled to several countries- mexico, USVI, Jamaica, Italy, France, Belgium, and Dominican Republic.
- built a career in marketing and some pretty solid business skills
- got married and divorced
- got married again
- had a baby, and started waiting for another
- grew closer to God and myself

and during that whole time, I thought my dad had changed and I thought I had, too.

As we were, twenty years ago, I was angry with him for the way he treated me growing up. He was super anxious, wanting escape from it, wanting to be isolated and yet reacting to it, angry and controlling over things he didnt understand. Irrational and arbitrary.

What is different from 1989 v 2009 is that now I can see things more clearly. I see how wrapped up in his own randomly-in-control-Id he is. I see how his state created so much anxiety, pain, and anger in me.

I am still angry about it, sorry to admit. Or, maybe it's good to admit it, finally. All these years of raging against the machine of life and girlfriends and bosses, I've really just been angry with my dad. Angry with him for not being so many many things.

My anger has never really left me and it rises up at minor triggers. I dont want to be angry or anxious anymore. I renounce it.