coming and Going

The nature of this blog has been to chronicle my journey from mediocrity. While I have generally done a mediocre job of that so far, I can provide some perspective now.

First, some time ago, maybe 3 or so years, I decided that I really wanted to commit to having a 'loving and passionate marriage'. It's a mantra of mine, even though I haven't had a clue how to achieve that. I was in the dark, frustrated, lost, angry, resentful, hiding. I used to say to my wife that I wanted intimacy and I would say to myself and others that I wanted intimacy, also. Until recently, I always thought of intimacy as a physical expression.

Now I think intimacy has stages and paths .... degrees and styles or something. I think that intimacy is expressed by degrees of vulnerability, but it is also perceived by actions, not just words in a close conversation. We send and recieve signals all the time about whether or not it's ok to be intimate, and to which degree. And, because this is usually happening in secret with the heavy influence of emotional lessons (right or wrongly) learned from our experiences, that perception is complicated and complex. it's so easy to be ships passing in the night on so many issues with so many different types of people and relationships.

Anyway, that lack of information is vastly better than the way I've objectified and stereotyped people throughout my life. That's gotten in the way of being more deeply connected in my marriage.

My wife's approach to intimacy is informed by an absolute lack of it in her family and romantic relationships prior to meeting me (from what I can tell.) that's another story, of course.

Second, I've made a commitment to living my values for perhaps the first time ever in my life. It's totally liberating and yet daunting, of course. The past new months have been a balancing act of altruism and affluence, piety and passions, honesty and privacy, vision and action, beauty and basic execution.

There are a few examples of this commitment - I stopped swearing recently. I've devoted my career to the development of my marketing agency, which plainly states my values, and (this is embarrasing) I've stopped connecting and fantasyzing with porn. Porn is just damn evil. It ties into the objectification stuff above.


Third, I've stopped eating meat and dairy alltogether.

BUT

I'm not really good at any of the vegan-eating, authentically-intimate, abundantly-holy, superfit lifestyle I'm trying to create. I'm carrying an extra 20-30 pounds of flab, maybe more. My business isnt making any money yet. My wife and I have a lOOooooooong way to go before we have a comfortable intimacy. I still indulge in jacking off and fantasying about being some kind of universal hero. I'm still selfish a lot of the time. I'm still confused about a lot of things

But

I'm starting to develop a vision of what I can become and how I make a contribution to the lives of my girls.

It is kinda cool to

A Deeper Commitment

So much of my past has been filled with fantasy. At the time, I believed I was 'creating a vision' or willing something my way, but the reality is that none of that behavior was very moral.

As part of this approach, I would escape into violent fantasies and long, drawn-out masturbation rituals that I would use to make my sexual fantasies more real. The sex fantasies were typically fueled by porn, but I was also good at just making stuff up.

I would oscillate in and out of this behavior for years. I'd get too caught up in my fantasy life and feel gross and silly, so I'd put it away for a while. I'd focus on healthy activities, like being organized, meditating, being more social, etc., Then, I'd want a break from what felt like thankless obligation and dip back into my lustful or violent fantasies. Thankfully, I never combined the two.

I remained like that for years until I recently decided to deepen my faith and commit my life to God. About a year ago, I began a kind of meditative prayer that revealed a lot of things about the world and myself to me. Unsurprisingly, I let that patter wain in favor of my indulgent fantasies. It made an impression, however, of a new way of operating - I was way more confident, less stressed, and a lot more loving.

When I saw "Fire Proof" [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireproof_(film)]it opened my eyes to my on-again, off-again relationship with God and how unfair that is.

Right now, I carry a light load. I dont feel the burden of my commitment yet. When it gets heavier, I know I will feel the strong temptation to return to blissful ignorance and selfishness. I just hope my faith remains strong and that I continue to pray everyday. It's my only guard right now against my oscillation.

Notes from the Ivory Tower

No real preamble here, I'm just going to blurt out that I am a selfish bastard.

I now realize that I began placing a price on the love and attention I gave to my wife pretty early on. I would do nice things, say nice things, generally be a nice guy...and then... after a few weeks, I'd tally my contributions and get frustrated that I'd not been treated in kind.

Sad. As in, pathetic.

I kept thinking about the 'have faith in me' whisper, and then, well, my wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. There is so much more to say about that, and I will, but for now, let's just say that I got my first whiff of my new priorities.

Soon after, I saw a movie called Fire Proof. Instead of a bad Quentin Tarantino movie, it was about a husband who was struggling to stay married to his wife of a few years. He goes through this very difficult journey to rescue his marriage, despite being ambivalent about wanting to STAY married. The journey is marked by a 20 day series of sacrifices and meditations that are designed to overcome his wife's resentment - and growing interest in another guy.

The movie has a happy ending, but was not cheesy at all (ok, a couple of minor cheesy parts, but the message overwhelms that). The biggest message that rang in my ears is that God loves us unconditionally - despite the fact that we turn away from Him often. And, to be more like God, we too, should love unconditionally, despite what comes of our actions.

Wow.

A lesson for me as a husband and father, for certain.

I struggle with selfishness and intelligent self interest and I struggle with taking care of my family and giving to others. I want nothing more than to have a passionate and loving marriage and to have a family that is full of love, light and prosperity. Tough order. Yet, I know it can happen by having faith and looking for ways to be unselfish - even in the tiniest of moments.

I think that's the next big thing to focus on - how to just be totally unselfish with my wife and family.

As we were

We just came back from a trip to Fl. to see my folks. We were there nine days, living in the same small apartment.

It's been over 20 years since I lived with my folks and during that time, I have:
- spent thousands on therapy
- wrote a letter explaining why I felt betrayed by my upbringing
- left my family for about a year
- lost many girlfriends and friends, and jobs, for that matter
- grew old
- traveled to several countries- mexico, USVI, Jamaica, Italy, France, Belgium, and Dominican Republic.
- built a career in marketing and some pretty solid business skills
- got married and divorced
- got married again
- had a baby, and started waiting for another
- grew closer to God and myself

and during that whole time, I thought my dad had changed and I thought I had, too.

As we were, twenty years ago, I was angry with him for the way he treated me growing up. He was super anxious, wanting escape from it, wanting to be isolated and yet reacting to it, angry and controlling over things he didnt understand. Irrational and arbitrary.

What is different from 1989 v 2009 is that now I can see things more clearly. I see how wrapped up in his own randomly-in-control-Id he is. I see how his state created so much anxiety, pain, and anger in me.

I am still angry about it, sorry to admit. Or, maybe it's good to admit it, finally. All these years of raging against the machine of life and girlfriends and bosses, I've really just been angry with my dad. Angry with him for not being so many many things.

My anger has never really left me and it rises up at minor triggers. I dont want to be angry or anxious anymore. I renounce it.

I'm not 'The Go-to'

We all know that person. The go-to. The One Who Gets Things Done. They're accomplished and can be trusted to following things through

Typically, that's not me. I'm the one who has good ideas about a lot of things. When it comes to 'delivering the goods' however, I fumble or dissapear.

This is the feedback I received at work a few weeks ago (and immediately changed my approach, btw) and this is the feedback I'm receiving at home. I wish I could say (for my own dignity) that this was new to me.

But, (big sigh) it's not.

Why? There are a dozen reasons. I've been insecure. I've been lazy. I've been disconnected from the outcome. I didnt understand. I hoped someone would take care of it. I dodged it completely so I could do something else. I was depressed and immobile. I was unorganized. I didnt think it mattered one way or the other.

Whatever. None of the above is a good excuse or reason for not being the go-to for things that pertain to my job or my family- not to mention my friends, too.

I've been complaining that the world is not a nice place, but I'm essentially not doing a damn thing about my part in this world. If I dont change, it wont either.

In an earlier post, I speculated that this job may be a kind of 'boot camp' for something greater. I was right. It's a bootcamp for being the go-to.