As I awaken from the slumber and confusion of the last 20 or so years, I can see that I'm all over the place in my thinking and actions. I have a general sense and sensation of being way more together and happy, but I also struggle with unresolved issues of my lack of follow-through regarding my personal health and well-being, as well as my marriage.
I know I need to be patient and softer with myself. It's easy to look back at my aspirations and be frustrated by my weight, use of free time, etc. Yet, I think this weekend can present opportunities to finish my book on how to be a better vegetarian, and that will be a significant accomplishment. As well, I can visit my home to-dos file and probably nail a few of the minor issues and maybe make progress on some of the major ones.
As for my marriage, I think the next few weeks leading to the birth of my second daughter will be tough - as tough or tougher than the last few weeks. Such was the case with daughter #1. I predict that we'll be so busy and overwhelmed with baby and daughter duties that we'll not even have time for 'relationship issues'. Then, however a couple of years from now, with so much time not being romantic at all, and with a lot more time on our hands, I fear the worst may happen to us. At that point, I'll be fully responsible for myself and my family, be making a LOT more money, and generally be a lot more evolved than I am now. My wife will have no excuse to be holding back her affections, attentions, and other intimacies and our different paths will be painfully obvious.
Sure there are several things I can be doing in the meantime, and my obsessive optimism will surely rise to the occasion. That much I know. I just wish I had some sort of vision about how we could possibly have a happy romantic life together. It just doesnt look possible at all, at this point.
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