I only have a few moments to get this down, so I'll be quick. For most of my life I've come to think that I've been struggling with Personality Disorder.
Faced with an oppressive upbringing that provided no outlet for my creative and adventure needs, I simply created one in my head. The older I got ( and more alienated from reality) the more I sexualized my fantasy life. For years I engaged in reality on the most minimum levels -just to sustain my more rewarding imagination. I was afraid to be more involved in activities that would provide an outlet for me, because I just thought that I shouldnt. I remember one time, I met a pretty girl at an under age club. It was essentially your typical high-school dance type atmosphere. Anyway, we hit it off, danced the night away, and generally had a lot of fun. A couple days later she called me to offer David Bowie tix. I declined only because I thought I shouldn't go out and have fun.
Here's the thing. I'm an adult and can basically create whatever I want. I dont need to live in a fantasy world for ANY duration because the only person who is oppressing me is ME. It's sure quick and free to create stuff in your head, lol. I just need to have patience.
Finally, FINALLY, I have more confidence in myself and abilities, and finally, I see that I can indeed create a better life for myself and my family. I have skills now, where before I had only vague thoughts about how to contribute. A lot of the time, I just sort of expected that life would come to me, as it had all my childhood. There would be a 14th and 15th grade and on and on. I would be on some invisible, Orwellian conveyor belt of life. Miserable and stuck in an identity not at all me.
Next: thoughts on my vision board.
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