Ego v. Reality

I've been writing about this in many forms since the launch of this blog. I've spoken of a "prison" of an "invisible ceiling" and mentioned being blocked in many other direct and indirect ways.

If only I saw things as they actually are, vs. what I wish or hoped or feared them to be. Seeing reality as it is - that's my biggest challenge.

Fantasizing and selective ego-laiden decision-making seems so harmless; a minor taste of the things I'm standing in line for, a harmless departure from the normal lameness, a swift pick-me up when things go poorly.

So here's the deal. I can feel briefly happy, but out of touch and therefore at a major disadvantage. Or, I can learn to feel comfortable with reality and see things as they are. You see, I am trying to build up reasons in my own head to essentially switch from one mode of operating to another.

Its going to be tough, however. I want my fix.

The reality is (such an appropriate phrase right now) that I actually am WAY happier with real success v. the imagined version. That may sound silly - it feels silly to type it anyway - but it's important to remember and chronicle stuff like this. I remember meeting a guy who taught himself to quit cigarettes by keeping a log of how it felt to smoke. Each time he had a cig, he wrote what he thought and felt about about. After a few weeks, his journal looked something like this:
"that was awful."
"I smell terrible now."
"freezing. not worth it."
"tastes terrible."

After a few months he finally read through the journal and realized how empty cigarette smoking was. He quit right then. Whenever he had a 'nic-fit' he simply read the journal. That was 14 years before our conversation together.

I guess at times I've looked at my various journals as random whining. Maybe the better perspective is to look at them as Fantasy Journals - a key component to transitioning from my deluded state into one of seeing things clearly.

I would like to transition more aggressively, however, I'm just not sure what that looks like. The simple act of actually experiencing my daily meditation, working out, efficient work and quality family routine would be marvelous. Yet, when I had my chakras read recently (dont ask), and was told that I dont have a very active God connection, I really freaked out. I took a deep dive into fantasy land just to cope with the idea of what that could mean (e.g. my mortality, my date with the devil, etc).

When I get overwhelmed I get my fix. I just dont know how to talk myself down from the ledge. And, I guess I must get overwhelmed a lot.