Everything begins and ends with me

I have finally come the place where I understand how, being more of a man - more of an adult - is what's required of me to move beyond my incremental steps through mediocrity.

My whole M.O. has been ...infected (?) biased toward(?) a kind of entitlement of servitude. I have moved from a more obvious scheming and trying my best to get away with exploiting loopholes and toward a better sense of personal responsibility. The fact of the matter is that I am not a provider and leader of my family in the traditional sense.

I cannot help but wonder if my wife would respect me more if I were more like someone I would admire. If I took better care of our house, my health, our finances, etc. Instead I have leaned on her too much and expected too much.

Now I realize that I really only have one choice, and that is to transcend my weaknesses, not indulge or ignore them. And, as far as I can tell, meditation - an honest and determined devotion to it - is the first major step. Perhaps the only one.

I honestly dont expect much more intimacy in my marriage as a result. I think that it's basically far gone at this point. Too much has been said and done to divide us in ways we can only try to cover up. She will always think of me as a bully and I will probably always think of her as not loving me. Taking that as a non-negotiable given, I can choose to grow, or I can devolve into an angry and bitter person. The fact of the matter remains that I am not fully in control of my own life, and I'm certainly not setting the kind of example I'd want my kids to follow.

I've been playing at this devotion for at least three years now and whenever I engage, I see lots of positives. Whenever I indulge in my fantasies and selfish needs I start to fall apart. So, I guess you could say that 'I've had it' and am now ready to do what it takes to evolve past the man-child stuff I've been dabbling in. I've been a dabbler.

This blog is about charting a path toward greatness. Greatness.