It's interesting that in the Conversations with God book, God learns about himself by contrasting against what he is not: the big nothingness. In my life right now, I am comparing and contrasting against my ego.
It's a similar conversation and I am learning a great deal about what my ego wants and what I - my authentic self - wants. My ego wants immediate perfection. Instead of gradually working into a robust exercise routine, for example, my ego wants to be doing a ripped workout on day one. That's not the wisest thing for a 43 yr old who hasn't worked out at all in about 4 yrs.
This morning, I woke up with a revelation that what I really want is to be desired. In particular, I also want people to feel sorry for me so I can get a "free pass" on life's challenges. As I reflect on my adulthood, I can see this pattern over and over again: using my childhood to get sympathy and love from my dates and girlfriends, using my divorce to get sympathy and basically a total write-off of my selfish behavior in my 20's and early 30's. Using my loneliness to attract other lonely people so we could essentially feel sorry together. Using my two previous failed business ventures to get a "hey, at least I tried" feeling from employers.
Clearly, it's my ego that wants this sort of attention, not my authentic self, which is constantly striving for growth. I have to wonder if my sub-conscious is starting to take sides, because I keep waking up with new ideas and revelations about who I really am. I really like it a lot because it's so liberating.
I swear, all I do is meditate for like 30 seconds every other day, but the results are truly amazing.
Now I'm focusing this notion of desire and feeling sorry for myself. I really feel that my earlier solution is the exactly right antidote for this egotistical pattern.
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