Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water...

Last week was difficult. I have to say that working alone is starting to take a negative effect on me, but that's relatively minor.

The reality is, I would very much like to spend my days and nights in my own head fantasizing about hot chicks coming on to me. It's hugely pathetic, given how much I have going on.

It's also the result of a decades-long battle to find self-esteem via relationships with women (see prior posts).

Last week, I watched porn almost every day and indulged in some level of fantasy, even though I was quick to 'get it over with'

Yes, it's very hard not having sex with my wife, and despite the fact that all this is very pathetic, it's also understandable that I have basic needs for sex and intimacy, which, despite great progress that I'll blog about later, still are not being met.

To confront and minimize this ego-indulging issue, I've been in an ongoing state of prayer and meditation during free moments, like just falling asleep or waking up. The more I embed my higher self into my thoughts the better I operate and the more energy I have. When I indulge my ego, I slip into drudgery, bitterness, and procrastination.

FYI, I'm teetering as I type this. Like I said, pathetic...