What It Means To Be Present.

I have seen my life as a series of tolerating events and intolerable events.

I escape from events that are intolerable, like those that create boredom, anxiety, fear, anger. Events like waiting for an important person to return a call; contemplating a my future; dealing with the frustration in my marriage; dealing with insults real or imagined; and just about anything related to work. How do I escape? I dive into porn - again, real or imagined. (I have to say that my imagination is 10X better than any free site I've seen.)

I also escape in littler ways, like trying to project a certain kind of authority despite my actual feelings, or zoning out in front of the computer.

Being present means not allowing myself to escape in any way for any reason. It means connecting with what is actually happening by asking myself, 'what is actually happening here?'. Eliminating my escapist vices is like going cold turkey on any harmful but nonetheless rewarding way of life (cigarettes, bad food, alcohol, etc.). It's hard.

Yet, the wake-up call of the lay-off and a subsequent scare that a big client is unhappy, left me feeling completely unprepared to deal with things when they get bad. Because I escape so much, I dont know what the facts are, much less the implications of whatever decisions I need to make. So, I make bad decisions.

Here's a classic example: a few years ago while working at another agency, I created a very aggressive plan to turn around the department I was hired to run. I made decent progress in the first six months but then began to notice that my team wasn't following through the way I expected. I began to focus on their performance more, creating a tense environment. That's bad, given they were creatives. That tension turned to passive/aggressive behavior on both our parts, as I struggled to retain control, even though I didn't have the technical abilities (in marketing OR management) to do so.

They mutinied and I was fired.

There were dozens of signals from above, peers, and below, but instead of noticing them and responding with vision, dignity, and decisiveness, I stayed in the little movie theater in my mind. When no one could get their point across, it must have become clear that I would never 'see the light'.

I have some powerful plans in the works now that I understand more about what it means to always be present.