What are the right questions

Here's a brief synopsis of the last few days:

• Wed - tell my wife how much I love her and how much I understand things from her position, and thank God I'm on Adderoll. She says I'm very sweet and spontaneously gives me a hug and a kiss
• Thur - engage in frivolous and stupidly sexual chat with woman who I'll never do anything with
• Thur pm- seduce wife with passionate foreplay and wonderful sex; establish trajectory of forward motion.
• Fri am - wife finds sexual chat on phone; cries, says "how can I trust you." Basically ignores me as much as possible during weekend. 

So, what are the right questions?

Are they along the lines of, 'how to I turn this around and save my marriage?'  or, 'how do I change the way I want to connect with her?' Or, is it something along the lines of 'is this my way out?' 

In a lot of ways, I know what is realistic with our marriage and I know that it has a high chance - even without this latest stupidity on my part - to lack the kind of emotional and sexual intimacy I want. 

Nothing is 100% certain, however. Because she found this text and it's not the first time I've done something like this (back in 2007 she found an email string that was VERY seductive), does that mean it could be a wake up call that you can't take your husband for granted for YEARS and ignore his pleas for help and getting help?  Or, does it mean that we simply become un-friendly roomates, who are professional but very very distant with one another?

Marriage, I think, isn't like a PEZ Dispenser addressing all of each spouse's needs, but what if I AM able to turn this around - will I want to cheat again? will I be miserable? will I set a terrible example because of that?

I think Marriage is a resource and a responsibility that requires looking at it from it's own context - not our needs. We have to ask ourselves, "what does a marriage need to survive and thrive?' and then look at our contributions within that context - but we shouldn't exclude our individual needs either.

In the meantime.... what to do... how to regain her interest... I'm trying all the obvious things, but I dont know what is working and what is backfiring.