Falling Off the Wagon

Since the move, I have steadily distanced myself away from the Daily Drill and the routine that felt so productive.

The combination of not joining a gym [fears about money], not having money, not having a job yet, and my dimming, overall professional outlook has created an environment that, while not depressing [yet], is certainly dour.

Four sessions into our couples therapy and what is becoming clear to me, is that we are basically figuring out how to be married to one another. It's that basic and it's been that basic all along. The problem is that we have children and so there's a lot of pressure to make the right decisions and a lot of implications when we do.

And so, it was stupid of me to think that we were ready to explore our sex life this weekend, because I was heavily influenced by my horniness and because we really have no foundation to discuss that yet. So, when I came onto her and she refused, I asked why. She says she felt bullied. She says I had the wrong "tone."

As a follow up to her comments, I asked her about tone and emotion and what felt worthwhile or productive and non-threatening, and what became clear is that as long as I don't have any negative emotions around her [we discussed anger, certain kinds of depression, frustration, and certain kinds of sadness], then we're fine.

I explained to her that if I didn't have sex with her on a regular basis then I would become sexually frustrated, and, if she didn't want to experience that frustration, I would then need to either not be around her during that mood or cover that mood up with some other kind of emotion or "shut down" emotionally, none of which were favorable. She said that there would be repercussions to that, and I said that was right and she shouldn't think that we could go a lifetime without having a happy marriage.

I asked her if that was going to be a deal breaker for her and she didnt really answer.

She said that brought up a lot of feelings for her, but couldn't [as usual] explain what they were.


Basically that leads me back to the theory that she simply isn't capable. Trying to ascertain her Myers-Briggs and doing a bit of follow up research has basically left me with, "a relationship is a nice idea" for her and "the relationship is the foundation of everything" for me.

That fundamental disconnect is not going to ever go away. I'm never going to convince her to treat me differently or not be a victim or take some initiative in our marriage. It's just not in her.


And so, I simply need to "forget" that and focus on the fact that I will never be happy in this marriage, BUT with a some work and diligence, which i already know about, I can not be miserable - and that's better than nothing.