Defining Our Marriage

I think the best we can possibly be, is where we are right now: coexisting without any negative emotions or sensations.

I dont think my wife really wants me to be anything more than her good friend and roommate; someone with whom she has very occasional hookups. There's no expectations or pressure, no obligations, no need to measure up to anything. She wants to never have to worry about my feelings or where I am coming from, or deal with any complications that could arrise from that.

She doesn't really want to get closer, but she will do what it takes to keep me, because she doesn't want to lose me.

She operates from this perspective, not because she is mean, or anything nasty. She operates from this perpective because it is all she's capable of.

If I look at this selfishly, from a perspective of 'how do I get my needs met', I think I could go crazy with all the unproductive emotions I used to feel about my marriage. And, as I've recently realized by looking back at our 10+ years together, such emotions are doubly unproductive, because not only do they prevent me from improving my marriage, they also distract me from developing as a person and as a professional. It's been pretty hard for me to focus when I'm upset about my marriage.

So, I think my mission is to get much more in touch with my intentions to love her - really love her - and be HAPPY being her best-friend-with-benefits, so she wont feel any pressure or negative emotions coming from me.

That means really letting go of thinking about my needs and it means letting go of expecting anything from "working on" our marriage. It means accepting that, as an ISFP, she's doing the best she possibly can. That, for her, "a relationship is a noteworthy goal" [from 16 Ways To Love Your Lover], but not "everything" as my ENFJ sensibilities mandate [from the same source].

That book can help me figure out the best ways of showing my love. My own ..."re-allocation" of my needs - either to get them from other people or to do what it takes to let them go.

Sex is the biggest obstacle with this approach, b/c I can't get that anywhere else. BUT, if I FULLY give up on the idea of having sex with my wife, work out every day, stay in public places, meditate, and refrain from any sexual inputs (such as provocative images, porn, etc.), then my drive will definitely dissipate considerably.

The rest of the needs/issues I would want in a marriage: friendship, sharing emotions, working together and problem solving, all get a fairly logical treatment: if I want "it" done, I simply take charge of it, and build consensus for a desirable outcome. That means things requiring industry, like finances, home projects, etc., will all be done by me, primarily, with some level of supporting contribution from her. Friendship needs can be satisfied in part - perhaps equally - in conjunction with other friendships I can continue developing. Sex can go away as described above, with occasional "surprises" from her when the following align: lack of stress, lack of needing anything to do, being horny, being comfortable in my presence, feeling good about her body (including not feeling bloated, "fat", tired, sore, or dirty in any significant way.) - so, giving up on sex is the right way to go, for obvious reasons that getting with her requires lots of pressure (not sustainable as she shrinks from it) or alignment of several subjective variables that are mostly out of her control and mine.