just sent this

I get the sense that you you feel like something was being taken away from you, as a result of our conversation last night. 

Maybe you think that my "let's be realistic" approach to intimacy in our marriage is off the mark, because I didn't follow through with some of the plans that I've made. Evidently, you have lost patience with me not shaving and showering everyday, also.

I have to say that I didn't like hearing what you had to say. It hurt my feelings and I lashed out. I'm sorry about that. You were correct about my lack of follow-through and my messiness - which is probably why it hurt like it did.

Like I said last night, I need to get better at setting expectations. I still am not planning things out correctly and I'm allowing a sense of feeling overwhelmed to force me into taking everything on. And, predictably, I capsize, get overwhelmed, depressed, lost in a sea of to-dos, and all the rest of it. 

While this is going on, you seem to cope, be patient, get annoyed, then approach me for follow-up or to offer help, and I get defensive, (because, at that point, I'm overwhelmed).

There are two reasons why I have been bad at setting expectations: 

• First, my time management is lacking.  According to a quick test I just took on mindtools.com, I need major work on scheduling, handling interruptions, and procrastination. Mastering those skills will surely relieve a lot of issues at home and in getting a job.
• Second, is going to the gym and exercising. When I do that, it powers the whole system I've set up for myself. When I add meds into the mix, I'm operating at a very high level.  But, when I dont work out, basically everything breaks down, steadily, because I simply dont have the energy at the end of the day, to follow-through on things I've promised. I think I need to just join that crapy gym, because I dont have the wherewithal to do it at home. 

I think that if I nail those two things - and continue the development work I've started on myself - we'll be a lot happier. 

I really dont think it's fair to ask you to change or make you change, given what we now know about each of our personalities. I was under the very wrong impression that you were behaving is a way that wasn't who you are. I thought you were "acting" indifferently towards me and that you didn't love me. 

Now, it's now totally clear to me, that I was totally wrong. You do love me  - but are probably disappointed in me due to the above, and all the drama I've created. 

Shelly keeps talking about how we have to negotiate, but I think it's unfair to pick a point on the horizon and say, "we have to go there."  If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. Period. If you dont want to share, you dont have to. If you dont want to dream big, you dont have to. If you dont want to put up with my inconsistencies, moodiness, etc., you shouldn't. Period. End of story. It's not like I reflect some better way of operating and you're all wrong. That's silly. Look at our history. Who's been the greater fuck-up, me or you? ME.

I've been languishing for a long time in a lot of ways. Yes, I've grown and taken on more, accomplished some things, but I still have a long, long way to go.

All our issues can be boiled down to a very simple story about us: we're very different people and I've been a lot less responsible than a person should be at my age.

I love you. I like you. I want to be married to you. I want to be a better husband and father to our children, and I am very aggressively working toward improving myself so you'll be married to a responsible husband and father.

Hopefully, this makes you feel better. I love you very much and I'm grateful for you putting up with me.

Eric