Checking out

When I look at all my major failures - my divorce, my firings, the collapse of my business, I see three things: circumstances beyond my control, tactical missteps that I wouldn't do again, and a strong desire to be the hero.

I want to create my own agenda and develop enthusiasm for it. I live into that dream to the avoidance of all other inputs and i pay dearly for it.   Again and again I repeat this pattern in little an big ways, never quite understanding what just happened and until lately only learning a little bit at a time.

Its always there, however  the interest to create an all-encompassing fantasy life that seemingly solves all problems yet delivers nothing but hopelessness and confusion.

As I think about a 'spiritual' set of goals, I realize that my main interest needs to become about how to be much more present, always. and instead of coping and feeling overwhelmed, understand how to quickly break things down into  their component parts and develop a balanced, realistic plan of action forward.

The fact is, I am not the hero - not in any discernible way. I am ordinary, at best, and most likely, a bit unusual in an unproductive way. My presence is forgotten when I leave, just like anyone else. All I can do is help out in the ways I've been asked or instructed and try to be there for my loved ones and friends. That's all I am probably capable of, for right now and probably for the rest of my life.

It's time to let go of wanting to be the hero. It's time to embrace consistency and reliability and honesty.