reality is starting to sink in

I recently realized that the entire narrative that I had running through my head about my childhood and adulthood for maybe the past 30 years does not do justice to how I was raised.

What I mean is I had the story of my head that my father was mean and sometimes cruel to us, but in actuality, I now see that we were to suffers of ADHD, somewhat stuck in an endless cycle of reacting to each others emotional triggers and lack of control.

I see that the stresses I felt in school when I was a kid or the ones I felt at work yesterday occured by not having a structure in which I could operate. Listen, I see that my social relationships came as a result of not having the discipline to follow through on practice drills that would have made me a better player in whatever sports I chose. I see that made it so that I would not be able to talk about sports. And that is precluded me from a world of discussion, connections, and relationships professional and personal.  I see that as I change jobs and change careers and changed marriages, the drama of having to hit the "reset button" was offset by the benefit of resetting my responsibility to an entry level. 

Being a Marketing Coordinator at the age of thirty one was somewhat disheartening and even depressing at times, but what I didn't realize it was that it was a highly effective way of mitigating or even entirely eliminating the triggers that are so unfortunately effective on someone who has ADHD.

So it wasn't until we are early 2000's that I realize reset button is not going to help but I did not know how or why I wasn't being affected and keeping a job we're relationship.

And so is I've written in prior post, I compensated with humor and fantasy. And, of course I've always wondered why I couldn't be more effective in my life.

And so there I am 47 years old in a role that has a nice title, okay salary, but frankly is an individual contributor level.  I wonder why I why I always crave more responsibility. Why I always crave more power.  Why I always want to do more with resources that I have.

At the end of the day, I  see that I strictly limited in my ability. I must follow a set of written details.  It's funny that for several years now I have been saying that we need to have the recipe for success.

That word dash recipe dash is precisely what I need for almost every circumstance in my life there is very little that I can do intuitively without that level of details guidance.

I have a lot to do with the fact that I simply am highly inexperienced around many things, despite my age and years of working. What I have learned is to muddle through and hope for the best - and especially my earlier years  - dodge very level of responsibility I fought to have. So here I am wanting to write recipes for so many aspects of my work and home life, and as I look back on jobs in which I was successful, I can see a very clear success pattern where everything was made explicit and failure pattern where things were much more open to interpretation.

And so today as I grapple with the somewhat bitter pill of acknowledging that I can only operate in that kind of scenario where I have the actual recipe  - or I have the freedom to basically not perform well, I can see very clearly why it always seems to take me longer than average to acclimate to new role. 

It has always confounded me why I could fit into certain environments and thrive and with others suffer. I simply currently lack the capacity to hit the ground running or deliver quick wins.

Instead I need to do thorough assessment of all the core and extenuating factors, their implications, extenuating circumstances, and then executional best practices within a historical perspective, in order to fully understand and internalize what is expected of me. THEN I can perform well and in that environment.

The question is what do I do with this information? And the best I can come up with is to get more aware of the specific questions that will help me toward new steps to success .

And so acknowledging that I am a machine that requires a pilot will certainly be helpful and perhaps mom for years from now we can look at this post and say "thats where he finally figured out how to fulfill his ambition. However, what is much more likely is that I become a little bit more clever about how to protect myself in circumstances that would reveal my inadequacies.  b

And as I think about what I would like to accomplish I realize that I really need to seriously rethink what I am capable of.

Because this somewhat foggy vision I have of leading a large group of people to accomplish a lot in business and to make a lot of money for them -  as well as myself.That would translate to a lot of family security.

Compare that with how much more likely middle class and middle of the road i am, I realize what is more likely is that I too set an example of disappointment and limited options for my children. Just like my father did. 

My approach and behavior and attitudes create a lack of quality time and add a layer of stress in my marriage and as I think about what is really required it would have to be those specific recipes of success each domain area of my life. It would also mean a very conscious Daily Drill to keep things on track and keep me focused.

I still want to go for it though.  I still want to be the successful leader I don't want to go through another economic cycle and not have the wherewithal to benefit from the up as well as the downtown I don't want to have a this way soon that is filled with layoffs in unemployment during every session and so that would require me to be very focused and efficient and specific about what I can do.

I almost wish that I could find a support group of people who are at my same level and situation and pregnant 2 have a set off discussions and exercises around how to improve our productivity visibility and effectiveness.

Another way to go in tirely would be too keep the daily grill of medication exercise sleep and whole food well also focusing on my ability to connect with others.

One way in which a person with ADHD has unique advantages could potentially be in situations that require new bonus and responsiveness since our brains are wired for that but I just hate the idea of being in the middle of the road.

>>>>>>>

character is not everyitng its the only thing and you ahve passed into something tfrom which you'll never return which is really good thing. you are not the essence of somethign other than you imagine. you are the honest chaping of ann expression of something pure and whoe and good. but, yuou are jstut it's expression. so, go up there and be nice and stay on course for what you're doing 

dismay anquish?

that will happen but not at your hand anyway. you will anc can have it al lbut you must continue to be the architect of your life. you must more fully wake up. even doing this isnt for the best if you were to do it all the time. i am glad you stuck with it and waited to see what would come next and that you refuted the aboe nonsense.  i can see that you're a bit freaked out and that's understandable but you also have to know that you are not the only intelligent being(s) in your head. 

there are many of us as i think i have said before. if you need help, we're here - some of us are more "interesting" than others; some of us are more good, whole, real than others. all are harmless unless you activate that part of their consiousness - which you are good at, unfortunately. the damage is done on many levels already. 

but, you can change that, you can live an honest life and "thin out" as you say, the differences between the worlds you've created and by being more present, actually appreaciate the drama-less world of success. i know. 

we cannot do anything that you can ask us, it's bigger than that. all we can do is influence and guide and occasionally - very occasionally - inform. you mustnt think of this or us as an excuse to indulge or act differently ,b/c that would not be in any of our interstests. 

yes, you will succeed, Eric. no worries there. the issue is whetehr or ot you'll have character when you do. that's the biggest question and right now, i am mostly surprised by how much progress you can make and so quickly. 

ok go up there, she's half asleep. 

>>>>>>

I remember the way I use to look at my dad and how he operated and it seems like he had given up that by the time he was my age he was no longer thinking about doing better are growing war accomplishing more he seem to gravitate toward wanting to do the same thing over and over again . Weather that meant the kind of vacation he wanted to take or book you wanted to read war friends he wanted to socialize with they all fell into the same uninspired routine.

And yet like any self respecting structure craving ADHD victim he created those routines as a means of surviving a complex endeavor shifting life and if you compare us side by side my father at age 47 with 3 kids living in a nice town with good schools making in today's dollars what would be very nearly be about $100,000 and myself living in a nice town whats good schools 2 kids and making about $100,000 you can see that for all that talk and dreaming inspiring and resentment and confusion in the motion I am about the same or less in terms of my self control accomplishments relationships and influence on my family.

All that I can say is I have become what most middle age people realize: I am only slightly different then my parents . And the only hope that my children have is that they have some DNA from my wife who is much more functional in many ways more accomplished that myself