Maybe the thing I've been most "trained" to do (by my parents and, later, myself) is be afraid to fully feel what I am feeling in any given moment - and to share what I am feeling in a way that is safe for me and others.
It's the others part that I think I am most concerned about. When I was little, I learned that when I showed a certain style of submissive emotions, I was able to "survive." When I pretended to be afraid - when I really internalized that feeling and let it get inside every aspect of who I was at that moment - I could often avoid a lot physical and emotional pain.
When I was little, what I really wanted to do most of the time, was yell something back... was to somehow stand up for myself. I didn't know to stand up for myself and not get killed.
No comments:
Post a Comment