Drowning again

For the second time in as many weeks, I am focusing on some very, very negative thoughts. I just would love it to all be over. Getting some kind of Stage 4 diagnosis, for example, that would fit the bill.

Why is it that I always have to be on the winning team? Why is it that when I hit a little speed bump, I lose all hope?

I think it's really all about self esteem and I dont think there's a self-help solution that is going to get me through this roller coaster.

In part, I feel like I am all by myself. I spend a lot of time alone and I dont have many people to share my feelings/ thoughts with. It's like the weight of what I need to accomplish is primarily a reminder of the idea that "I am a no good piece of garbage that needs to be thrown away."

I have indeed made progress in many ways. I am not so bad as to be back at square 1. But the central point is that I am not convinced I understand who I really am and that I can appreciate the value of that, in its own context.