Of Course She WANTED Me

What if, where I am now, is where my wife has been all along.

I think in the beginning, she wanted to be with the happy guy who seemed to have his life together. The guy who:

1. helped her overcome a relationship in which she felt stuck
2. overcame a super painful divorce
3. is sweet, funny, engaging, empathetic
4. is "mr charisma" and novel in social situations
5. hit the "reset button" on a career in a dying industry and in 2.5 years, was an account manager at a small agency, doing somewhat cutting edge work.
6. helped her express herself and go places, emotionally, that she'd never been before
7. makes decent money and is on track to do great
8. has negatives that all can be explained by his divorce and career change - one-time events.

In retrospect, of course she wanted to be with me. In 10 yrs, this guy would be the provider of a happy healthy and fun life. 

She wasn't looking at me to MAKE her happy or provide her identity or be the key to her identity for her. She was looking for some company in life's journey. She's not trying to be someone different AND she's not all that interested in delving into things that are confusing, complex, scary or negative.

In the early years of our marriage, there were signs how much work I would be, which she could somewhat dismiss. Then somewhere around 05, it probably became pretty clear that while I was all the positives mentioned above, I also am this super-stressy, depressive, self-focused, passive/ aggressive and mostly totally pre-occupied. 

Through the years, I show myself to be resilient but increasingly negative about life and negative and angry about her. And as my career bumps continue - I also become heavily dependent on her to fill me up and make me feel better about myself. 

So, I think she is basically saying by '07 that she's done trying to figure out the intensely confusing mess that often results in her getting attacked. 

Flash forward to today, she's kind of numb and mostly still on guard and basically, life is difficult  enough without having to deal with someone who has BPD, ADHD and all the negatives (overwork, depression, anger). I think she's like you stay in your room, I"ll stay in mine and you think you're all better but, you're not, really.  She has still loved me, extending me kindnesses and so forth, which is amazing and I am grateful for that. 

So, if I continue to improve, maybe in like 5 or 10 years, she'll recognize that things are actually different and maybe she'll say "hey, you're actually a good guy."  If not, she'll know what to do. She's been doing it for over 10 years.