Notes on My Self

As I think about my past, I see a different pattern than I have before. It's like I've been distracted the entire time from knowing myself and appreciating myself.  I just never had whatever I needed as a kid to be "me."

My Personas
Very early on, I learned to subjugate myself and my identity. I learned to follow the rules, no matter how impulsive or unfair or just plain wrong. I followed. Things got very difficult as I got older and by the time I was 13, I wrote in a journal that I was "a no good piece of garbage that just needs to be thrown away."

By the time I was 16, I chose to create a more comedian version of myself, but I held back for many months before letting that out. When I did, I became the life of the party.

As I grew into my 20's I didn't know who I was and where to go with my identity beyond that comedian persona.  The idea of "hey, I'm just going to just let these guys accept me for who I am" never ever occurred to me.

Thinking Errors
All through my life, I've felt like if I failed at something, it was a sign. More than a sign, it was proof, actually, that I am a loser and ultimately, "a no good piece of garbage that just needs to be thrown away." Any kind of "fail" at trying to reach any kind of goal, large or small, is an indictment that I am a waste of matter.

I can't even bring myself to think of a different approach to hitting that same goal. I can't bring myself to reconsider the goal or learn from my prior approach. I am just paralyzed. I find reasons to stay in bed. I procrastinate and whatever the outcome, I deal with it as my rightful punishment as a wasted human being. All I want to do, is sleep all the time. I cannot do the 'opposite action'.

Moreover, it simply does not make any sense to me that anyone would appreciate me. I dont understand why people have a lot of faith in me at times b/c I feel like they are investing in a failure.

This line of thinking clouds every tiny thing I do.