Facing Facts - Gratitude

I also have to express my deep appreciation for finally embracing the fact that neither fantasy (in any form), friends, my marriage, my work colleagues can fill up my sense of self worth. I was convinced that my wife was indeed responsible for giving me that sense of value and so I was angry and lashed out and resentful and all the rest.  I was expecting some kind of quid pro quo.

I used to essentially "claw back" my sense of self and self worth by heavily focusing on winning certain battles or filling my head with a long-irrelevant narrative of how attractive I am. So, whenever my bubble would burst, it would be super painful - and it would always be someone else's fault: my boss, my wife, the economy, that jerk in the car next to me, etc. etc.

It finally lands with me, the idea that I am the only one that can make me happy. Letting go of needing to have a one-side codependent view of things is not that hard, because I have so thoroughly experienced failure in doing so.

My view of things with my wife, for example, was indeed very one-sided. I think about how hard I was on her for not taking in my feedback  - while at the same time, I wouldn't adopt hers. For example:

• ignoring her when she says she's uncomfortable with my driving (i.e. too aggressively, not using my signal, drifting into another lane, etc)
• dismissing it when she gets annoyed when I dont follow through on what I've promised
• being unclear when I'll be late
• not listening / remembering her comments 
• not communicating my feelings in a safe, non-threatening way
• waking her when she needs to sleep
• interrupting her

So, here I am, thinking that I've got all the answers and she's just failing miserably because she wont adopt what I am telling her and wont fulfill my emotional needs, while being totally oblivious how I am doing the very same thing. It's pretty funny when you think about it that way.  It reminds me of the obvious behaviors exhibited by "short man's syndrome" or mid-life crisis etc. and when I think about how confusing self esteem is - and how mystifying GETTING self esteem is - it all starts to make sense. OF COURSE I would cling to my fantasies, self-righteousness and other behavior. In my mind, that's all I had. 

Not getting my needs met in the marriage isn't really the problem. It doesnt affect me in the same way. I have no real feelings whether we'll ever have sex again, or if we will tonight. I have no aspirations on what our marriage should look like, beyond what it is now. I do not feel like she is breaking some law of a happy marriage. I do feel lonely, sad and lost, but that's not something that she can actually fix. 

The biggest problem now? With all the other aspects ruled out, I am left to focus on this issue in the most unvarnished way I have ever seen it. That cuts both ways: I am relieved at how I dont need to expend so much energy doing the BS things I used to engage in, but I dont really know what the steps look like to begin to build up my value in my own eyes. 

Step one - I've left a vm for my DBT therapist and I'll follow up with an email in the next day or so, if I dont hear back. Hopefully he can fit me back into his schedule.