Facing Facts

Wake Up And Smell the Coffee

This process of noting what's bothering me and griping about it is kind of funny. It reminds me of that scene in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Carrie Fisher's character keeps saying, "he's never going to leave her." And when her friends remind her of the reality of the situation, she responds, "you're right. You're right. I know you're right."

The same has been true for me in many ways. I note my wife's lack of interest in what interests me; her lack of validation; the way she eschews my feedback and requests; how she ignores me in public; how she doesn't initiate any fixes or changes of her own to improve our marriage; how she's constantly making my complaints my fault (and therefore bears no responsibility for her actions); how she wont initiate any kind of romance - and how sex has become totally off the table.

You put all the above together in writing and it's pretty obvious that she tolerates me, but doesn't like me or love me. I've been saying for several years that we are only roommates. As painful as that statement is, I've also not really believed it. Let's face it, however, there is ample proof that it is true.

There are positive observations to point out as well, so the story is not altogether negative. For example, while she doesn't necessarily thank me or show her appreciation for any of my efforts, large or small, she does seem to respond with some behavioral changes at times. If I make dinner and clean up she may be a bit more pleasant with me. If I give her a wide birth of space, graciously, over a several day period, she may express some level of interest in me / my comings & goings. I would put the ratio of my action to her reaction at about 10:1, overall.

That ratio has been very consistent since we were dating. Back then, with no kids, plenty of time and much less demanding careers, I could treat her like a princess and we consistently had a pretty strong connection. I was pretty clueless about a lot of things - especially how to create my own sense of self esteem - and so I began to rely on her a lot when things were bad for me. In a pretty short period of time, it became clear that I couldn't and shouldn't actually rely on her and so I began to resent her and lash out and there went her trust in me.

She still doesn't really trust me.

I had thought that if I had DBT therapy + adderall on a regular basis, that she would be more compassionate. Nope. I thought that if I began to take on more at the house, do a better job of setting expectations, and deal with my emotional & physical needs "offline" (or rather, online, such as is/was the case), she would begin to unfold her defenses and contribute to our relationship in kind.

I have always felt that making an argument that she needs to hold up her end of the marriage would be effective. That was totally wrong; the 10:1 ratio remains intact.

The Path Forward.

Given the above, it makes total sense why I would want to leave her, but I wont do that if a) I cannot ensure a way to take care of the girls' wellbeing and their future and b) if there are other heathy options to explore for making our marriage work. And their are indeed healthy options to explore.

1. Embrace reality. She is never going to prioritize validating my feelings, or change her behavior (that's been proven over our 17 years together), We are not friends. We are not lovers. We are only friendly cohorts in raising a family and building up the household in support of that. There are boundaries to accept. For example, I need to be kind & thoughtful, but with zero expectations for any reciprocity. Moreover, I shouldn't be TOO kind & thoughtful, because that will make her begin to withdraw, as she's done in the past. She is too intimidated by such actions as they have often led to me lashing out (due to her lack of reciprocity / participation). Hitting on her is always a mistake. It's as bad as me hitting on a co-worker. The response is nearly the same, i.e. recoiling reaction, being irritated, ignoring it, etc. There is never a good reason to wake her, unless it is a health or safety-related emergency. There is never a legitimate reason to be upset with her. Her "beat-up" sense of self and lack of trust in me will not allow for anything more. There is only room for my improvement without regard for any emotional needs from her. There is no reciprocity, so it doesn't matter that she sets a different example (or a similar one, for that matter). My best guess is that her definition of "wife" doesn't mean a loving, a 50% partner, a collaborator, a true friend (as I had wished and became obsessively dependent upon).  It means, "I'll do my part and fuck-all if you do or don't do yours." She is not, in any way, a resource to counter loneliness and/or sadness. She is not to blame. She is doing the best she can. 
2. Take full ownership that I've made this bed. Two ingredients fatefully connected when we came together: 1) her shyness and 2) my neediness. You multiply that by 14 years of marriage and what you get is a real mess. The last couple years spent improving my behavior and perspectives has only slightly lessened her highly-vigilant and interwoven set of emotional defenses. If I had been more respectful of her personality from the start and had more self-respect, we would probably be better off. I wasn't able to course correct sooner and she isn't at all, so here we are. Owning my actions doesn't mean that I have a life-long prison sentence, it just means that's what's happened and it's time to commit to a healthier path, once and for all. 
3. Abandon my empty calories - any activities that simulate esteem or falsely lead me to temporarily feel desired or wanted are disastrous on many levels. When I allow myself to be extrinsically defined in any way, it only leads to depression (which makes her defensive) and other behaviors that make her recoil and/or defensive. This creates a snow-ball effect that impacts work, my friendships and my ability to be there for the girls. Abandoning empty calories also means dropping any idea that I could supplement my emptiness with a platonic or romantic companion. I have ample and lengthy proof - ok, signals - that people just don't care about my feelings and I would imagine for good reason. There is no "marriage court of law" that I can make my case to seek restitution. There is no extrinsic source of validation for my emotions and perspectives. 
4. Take full ownership of my self-esteem. Aggressively look for ways to become a much better "expert" at nurturing myself, while also guarding against getting triggered by my tendencies to judge and any preset expectations about her role.  Moreover, I need to devote myself 100% to learning and growing and being the pleasant and positive example. That should be my focal point.  To do this, I have to probably develop my role as someone who is self-sufficient, gracious, polite and doesn't expect anything in return. I think it may end up following a much more traditional role of being the emotional rock and the financial provider, but I am not entirely sure about that. I don't exactly know how do take full ownership, but I do think it involves seeing Charlie again soon and embracing his help and DBT on a deeper level than I have previously. I think it also means proactively dealing with her perceptions that a) I will lash out at her again / return to old patterns, b) I don't want to be home with the family, c) any physical limitations are not justified, d) work demands that interfere with house commitments are avoidable, e) I have no right to her heart, mind, soul.

Considering the above, learning more about improving my self-esteem will hopefully pay off for me the way it did for Carrie Fisher's character, Marie, in the movie "When Harry Met Sally." Eventually she moved on from her dilemma and presumably became a lot more sane in the process. 

Unlike that character, I don't see myself breaking up with the source of my angst. I see myself transcending it by more fully embracing DBT. And, as tough as that will be, their will likely be many positive outcomes as a result. Judgements and theoretical apprehensions I have in my work duties will be more effectively dealt with and I'll be able to accomplish more for myself and my employer. Friction in my marriage will very likely disappear, as I will not be presenting triggers for my wife and may only need to deal with triggers like being blamed for all the gaps/issues in our relationship. 

Perhaps best of all, I will set a better example for my girls. Whether or not it's actually true, I give credence to the notion that "girls marry men like their fathers." More than a happy marriage, wealth or a steady career, I want healthy relationships for the girls. I want this dysfunctional dynamic to end with my wife and I.