Charlie, Take II

The meeting started off in a less than ideal way. What I wanted to do, was get right to the point about recognizing that I have a fragile self-esteem and start getting his help with that.

We got there, but first I started the meeting by saying how my wife and I were doing - that naturally invited questions and discussion and then we moved onto discussing how things were at work. I brought him up to speed as best as I could. Overall he did his usually great job of disrupting my unproductive thinking.

Some noteworthy highlights:

• I'd done some good work, managing emotions, catching thinking errors, etc
• Regarding my wife: "how do we juice up the wise mind activity" - date nights, for now.
• In both work and home: I shouldn't want someone in my life to make me feel better. (either for joy / happiness and / or its their responsibility to make me feel better)
• At work: "It doesn't seem like you feel you're part of a team anymore" - very true, and a great reminder of why I took this job. There are plenty of expectations that are no longer true. (on both sides?)
• I thought I was going to have a back-hoe, then I had a shovel, now I have 
• How do I learn to stand up / speak up for myself more? I am like a house of cards. 
• Charlie thinks I coast when I get positive feedback 
• (may explain why part of the meeting he seemed to be pressing on me with loaded comments/ questions and suggesting to stay the course)
• worth exploring this more - why is that?
• Am I doing the best that I can? (not now / not really)
• How can I thrive and not be a part of a team - or worse, be derided by the "team"? (this is a common question / complaint I have)
• Procrastination is my worst trait
• I need to be putting things on the table for others to help me with. 

In general, what I think is my main problem, is that have a big problem dealing with THE FEELINGS that come up when I want to be assertive / have a "prompt" to be assertive. I rule out options while I also double-down on needed to succeed in spite of diminishing circumstances. Sometimes, I actually even raise the definition of success. So, I cave. For example:

• Prospecting - I am often timid at events; taking the safer route to be in conversation mode vs. networking mode. I walk out exhausted, but ever more worried about how I'll succeed.
• The RKG interview - I felt that the interview wasn't an authentic test situation. I was so desperate to get out of my current job that I agreed to everything that was being discussed. When the interview started, I was too nervous and too preoccupied with how bizarre the interview was, vs feeling empowered and having a sense that I could win. (or, saying something to the effect of ("this doesn't work for me")
• My current situation - I feel "stuck" I am taking more and more on my shoulders and I have little confidence of my success. I am not even sure what success looks like at this point. I have sunk into a deep funk / depression and am feeling like there's no way out. I have lost my way and I am not living my values. I am not being more assertive with the team and taking on the total welfare of the business as my 100% responsibility. There are a lot of vagaries and inconsistent communications, which leaves me in fear of my income as well as how I could potentially hurt the business. I feel "scared" to speak with my boss b/c I am afraid that she'll be angry with me and/or fire me on the spot. I just feel so overwhelmed. I just have no idea how to succeed without sacrificing too much for too questionable an outcome. There's going to be a miss and I don't know what to do. When people don't follow through, I get discouraged and give up on them. 
• My past situation - When I was treated poorly, I withdrew and hid behind others' incompetence. I let their bad behavior be my excuse - worse, I let it "prove" to me that I was incompetent and DESERVED to be treated that way. When I tried to rely on my wife for help and support, she withdrew also. I got lost in fantasy, porn, depression, lashing out, etc. Like the above, I felt so very overwhelmed. 

Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I shut down and get in the fetal position.

He asked me to come up with a list of positive attributes that really believe are meaningful, such as "I continue to persevere in spite of the fact that I feel so embattled and depressed."

We can start to see each other at the usual time. 

He closed with saying that "I'm going to be pushing you." I said that at the core of it, I am not standing up for myself enough. He said good. We'll get there. 

Reflecting on the above, I get the sense that one or more of the following may be true:

• he thinks i'm too lazy and self-entitled. 
• he thinks that "pushing me more" is going to bring out a better and more real scenario, in which to treat me
• he thinks that I'm not making enough progress
• He thinks that I'm not committed enough?  (although, he has said that I'm a hard worker)
• He thinks I'm too verbose; too in my own head and therefore get in my own way in life and in therapy
• He wants me to be more self-directed. He wants me to lead more. 
• I am not a very good patient (?) that I continue to repeat lessons I've already learned
• Charlie notices what he feels and speaks up right away about that. He uses phrases like " I couldn't help but notice; I just need to clarify something."