Notes from the Ivory Tower

No real preamble here, I'm just going to blurt out that I am a selfish bastard.

I now realize that I began placing a price on the love and attention I gave to my wife pretty early on. I would do nice things, say nice things, generally be a nice guy...and then... after a few weeks, I'd tally my contributions and get frustrated that I'd not been treated in kind.

Sad. As in, pathetic.

I kept thinking about the 'have faith in me' whisper, and then, well, my wife gave birth to a healthy baby girl. There is so much more to say about that, and I will, but for now, let's just say that I got my first whiff of my new priorities.

Soon after, I saw a movie called Fire Proof. Instead of a bad Quentin Tarantino movie, it was about a husband who was struggling to stay married to his wife of a few years. He goes through this very difficult journey to rescue his marriage, despite being ambivalent about wanting to STAY married. The journey is marked by a 20 day series of sacrifices and meditations that are designed to overcome his wife's resentment - and growing interest in another guy.

The movie has a happy ending, but was not cheesy at all (ok, a couple of minor cheesy parts, but the message overwhelms that). The biggest message that rang in my ears is that God loves us unconditionally - despite the fact that we turn away from Him often. And, to be more like God, we too, should love unconditionally, despite what comes of our actions.

Wow.

A lesson for me as a husband and father, for certain.

I struggle with selfishness and intelligent self interest and I struggle with taking care of my family and giving to others. I want nothing more than to have a passionate and loving marriage and to have a family that is full of love, light and prosperity. Tough order. Yet, I know it can happen by having faith and looking for ways to be unselfish - even in the tiniest of moments.

I think that's the next big thing to focus on - how to just be totally unselfish with my wife and family.