A Deeper Commitment

So much of my past has been filled with fantasy. At the time, I believed I was 'creating a vision' or willing something my way, but the reality is that none of that behavior was very moral.

As part of this approach, I would escape into violent fantasies and long, drawn-out masturbation rituals that I would use to make my sexual fantasies more real. The sex fantasies were typically fueled by porn, but I was also good at just making stuff up.

I would oscillate in and out of this behavior for years. I'd get too caught up in my fantasy life and feel gross and silly, so I'd put it away for a while. I'd focus on healthy activities, like being organized, meditating, being more social, etc., Then, I'd want a break from what felt like thankless obligation and dip back into my lustful or violent fantasies. Thankfully, I never combined the two.

I remained like that for years until I recently decided to deepen my faith and commit my life to God. About a year ago, I began a kind of meditative prayer that revealed a lot of things about the world and myself to me. Unsurprisingly, I let that patter wain in favor of my indulgent fantasies. It made an impression, however, of a new way of operating - I was way more confident, less stressed, and a lot more loving.

When I saw "Fire Proof" [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fireproof_(film)]it opened my eyes to my on-again, off-again relationship with God and how unfair that is.

Right now, I carry a light load. I dont feel the burden of my commitment yet. When it gets heavier, I know I will feel the strong temptation to return to blissful ignorance and selfishness. I just hope my faith remains strong and that I continue to pray everyday. It's my only guard right now against my oscillation.