Now what?

It is only slightly less painful and confusing to have the 'high road' during a marriage crisis. And so, I guess I am slightly less pained and confused than during other times throughout my life where my romance or marriage was on the line.

After I sent the email in my prior post, my wife and I discussed it. Despite dozens of times trying to explain how my intimacy needs were not going away and I needed a stronger emotional connection with her, she finally got the message. She understood this was a serious issue.

She didn't understand that it was an urgent, serious issue. I guess I didnt either. After 10 years of trying to tell her about this and struggling with all the self-destructive habits and fantasies, I became exhausted in many senses of the term. Basically, I went to sleep on Friday and woke up this morning, Sunday. I realized that nothing was going to change. This is my life.

No intimacy with my wife.

I've always sorta known that was the case, but I fought the very idea of it in every way possible. It began to sink into my head as I described what would be required of my wife, to reverse this painful pattern.

"You'll need to be adventurous. You'll need to spear-head this thing and learn new ways to connect with me and to be comfortable with that, first. I want to support you and encourage you and give you feedback, but you need to take the lead because with me in front, our efforts have failed. You'll have to take responsibility for the the notion of intimacy in our marria...." I burst into tears, realizing how unlikely those characteristics and actions were for her. We'd push on, but there was no solution.

She came over to comfort me and I said "we're not going to make it, are we?" Of course she denied that.

But here we are, and after a week (yes, I know only a week- and a busy one at that) I see no indication from her end that she will try to learn or grow and take on more responsibilities. I guess after such an articulate and emotional discussion, I was hoping she would have said something about her willingness and interest to learn how to connect deeper with me.

As I mentioned in this morning's conversation, it would have only taken her about 90 seconds to think of the words and say them to me. The more we talked, the more surreal it seemed - ironically how real this situation is.

I guess I just always thought it was all or mostly in my head and that I was being a big baby or something. Yet, as I pointed out situation after situation and she agreed with each, it became obvious that I was very right to be upset.

Now I begin a time wherein I embrace the idea that I am in a platonic and distant marriage - my worst nightmare.