The Struggle

Here's a note I wrote to my wife, below. We did discuss it briefly, but weekend plans and the kids have kept us from really getting into it on any level. She finally has acknowledged the need to look at the intimacy we have (or lack thereof) but understandably doesnt really have a plan yet.

I find this so scary and unsettling, b/c while the following issues have gripped my attention over several years, I always could rely on a constant: that I was on my own and the outcome of my struggle couldn't even be imagined. Basically, I got used to waiting. Now that she finally seems to understand, I wonder when/how we'll recover from the pattern of distance and resentment.

Hi

I am struggling with some painful thoughts and feelings and before I become too wrapped up in them, I wanted to use email to explain what’s going on with me.

In last night’s cleanup I was struck by a comment in my old journal that read, “I saw this marriage as a way to have deepening intimacy and closeness, but She doesn’t seem to want that.” It was dated 10/27/03. Several weeks ago, I began telling you that I missed being close with you and wanted to have some quality time. Yet, you seem to have zero interest in that despite several opportunities presented.

For six years, I have been struggling with feelings of being blocked from a deeper relationship with you and I have tried everything – denial, rage, fantasies, negotiation, discussion, acceptance, and several different variations on those – to overcome the block. I’ve failed every time, but gratefully have learned a lot about myself, which has made me a better husband, I’m sure.

We’re a lot more comfortable that we were six years ago, and we know a lot more about each other and ourselves that we did back then – but at what cost? Unfortunately, when I think about our history, I cannot help but see the montage of fights, tears, and angry silences. Hopefully, with this email as a start, we can break that pattern once and for all.

To be honest, however, there are solid reasons for you not wanting to have a deepening relationship of intimacy with me. I’ve been very slow to take on responsibility. I’m in my own world a lot of the time and don’t listen to you or remember what you say like I should. For a while now, I’ve been kinda slovenly and out of shape, which makes me less physically attractive. I let my work stresses interfere with our personal time. My changing behavior, which can be described as maturation, is also a bit alienating and threatening, probably.

Whew! That’s a lot.

There are also solid reasons for you to actually want to intimate with me, and they involve my romantic nature, my character, the growth I’ve exhibited consistently over the years, our shared sense of humor, as well as dozens of smaller and larger events and qualities that make it clear that I am to be trusted and loved.

I bring all this up, because my emotional and physical intimacy needs are not being met in our marriage and that could spell big problems for our family. I cannot surrender my needs to

As I objectively look at your behavior in relationship with intimacy, I see the following:

- Always a reason NOT to be close (tired, sick, the kids, stress, me, don’t feel like it)

- Never admitting your mistakes - deflecting, reverse blaming, denying, etc.

- Not able to empathize with my situation/feelings

- Proximity is “closest” you can get

- Take most things personally, versus objectively, so very difficult to make ANY progress on relationship issues – or issues I have with you directly.

- Was attracted to me, b/c I could be your proxy for socializing.

- (Getting better (Jenna) but most of your life have had no close friends to tell secrets to

- You spent 10 years in a romantic relationship that suffered from the same lack of intimacy I’ve indentified in our marriage.

- You have a hard time ‘letting go’ and having fun

I have to say that there are no more fixes I can make on myself to improve our marriage more than incrementally. The changes I’m currently making to myself and this household will pretty much wrap up my weaknesses and bring us to a new baseline of functionality. Our lives will surely improve, as they have over the last several years.

But we wont be any closer. They'll always be interruptions and the kids' needing us, etc.

As I began to put the pieces of the above patterns together, I realized that the Internet might help me with some possible answers on how to move forward. I have to say that this realization is a big step for me, since I often simply get angry and stuck when I reflect on the many items that prevent us from being closer in our marriage.

After spending waaaay too much time on search engines, I think I have a clue. It appears that you might be struggling with a mild case of something called Avoidant Personality Disorder:

- Avoidant Personality Disorder is a psychiatric condition characterized by a lifelong pattern of extreme shyness, feelings of inadequacy, and sensitivity to rejection.

- Personality disorders are long-lived patterns of behavior that cause problems with work and relationships.

o Easily hurt by criticism or disapproval

o Has no close friends

o Reluctant to become involved with people

o Avoids activities or occupations that involve contact with others

o Shy in social situations out of fear of doing something wrong

o Exaggerates potential difficulties

o Shows excessive restraint in intimate relationships

o Holds the view that they are socially inept, inferior, or unappealing to other people



- The cause of avoidant personality disorder is unknown. People with avoidant personality disorder are preoccupied with their own shortcomings and form relationships with others only if they believe they will not be rejected. Loss and rejection are so painful to these individuals that they will choose loneliness rather than risk trying to connect with others.

- There are several differing views on treatment, but in my opinion, it seems that a combination of skills building, cognitive therapy, and maybe some mild antidepressants would be the solution, but I’m not therapist or expert. That’s just the various solutions I’ve seen

The trouble with this email – and our predicament – is that the very thing tools and perspectives that would help you overcome this issue are the very ones that have been stifled by this issue.

Hopefully you see the above as a massive gesture of love and an effort to productively move our marriage out of the up and down pattern we’ve suffered over the years.

When the kids nap, maybe we can talk this through? All I want is the very thing you fear most. What could go wrong?