No more fighting

My business partner is a very honest, direct, calm, professional, friendly guy. In short, he's nice. He loves my girls, thanks everyone for their contribution(store clerks, etc), and always has a pleasant thing to say. Naturally, I should snap at him for every minor infraction.

It's that kind of incongruous feeling I got when I really started to think about my behavior toward him. The guy is no angel and has some definite professional growth ahead of him, but it's so 100% clear that all he's trying to do is trying to be his best. And, his best is actually a moving target, which means he's ALWAYS trying his best.

So why would I get angry with him?? There's actually no good reason. Yet, earlier this week, I was yet again raising my voice and getting accusatory.

After some thought, I realized that I have an ongoing stream of negative scenarios of people taking advantage of me, attacking me, and/or generally being rude to me. I respond to these scenarios by arguing and lashing out. Further, I realized that I've been doing this for years.

When I was a kid, my dad was so harsh and random that I would run scenarios in my head and play them out in order to protect myself. 'ok, what if he finds out how I'm doing in school?' I'd ask myself on the way home. And off I'd go, imagining what he would say and rehearsing how I'd answer. 'ok, what if he looks and sees how messy my room is?' More Q&A.

It got to the point that I was prepared for almost anything and honestly, even as a boy it served me well in thinking fast on my feet and telling an engaging story. As I grew into a man, it obviously began to serve me less and less, but it was so ingrained, I actually didnt realize I was doing it anymore. It just became the background chatter in my head - an ongoing series of harsh scenarios and Q&A.

When I realized this, I apologized immediately to my partner and he understood. I'm grateful to feel free of this burden.


'Course now he thinks I'm a freak. He'll probably tell his friends or fiance about what's going on, and I'll walk into he and she saying something like, "the guy is totally unstable....uh oh, hi Eric." And then I'll say....

Just kidding. But now you get a taste of what I've been experiencing for over 30 years.