Peeling back the layers

My youngest woke me up this morning and here I am, 5:45 wide awake.

For some reason, as soon as I awoke, I started running in my head how many times I've been fired over the years. I ran through my most recent career - say over the past 10 years or so, but then, to be thorough, went back to the very beginning of my professional career.

My first job was a co-op position during high school. I was fired for incompetence. There was another co-op position, which I was fired from, but I cant remember very much - just that I had to be a typesetter and I didn't know how to type. I was also sloppy and rushed in my work. That was 1983.

Over the next 27 years, I would be fired a total of nine times. Just imagine getting fired every three years. I would quit jobs where I was having a tough time (and probably in line to get fired) a total of three times. There are more than a dozen positions missing from my resume.

My "continual climb of success" career story is so well-worn that I've forgotten what a mess it actually is. Gratefully, I've learned quite a bit from each position, no matter how miserable or unsuccessful. The reality is, however, that the vast majority of people who've employed me wouldn't do it again.

During this time, my friendships and romances have essentially been a disaster. I've had very few friends over the years that I didn't try to become some other version of myself. My current marriage gets steadily worse year after year, where I wonder how much more time we have left. My first marriage ended in divorce after just a few months. The relationships I had prior were mostly angry (see the previous post), or fraudulent (pretending to be someone else), or passive-aggressive.

But hey, I'm entertaining. I can tell a good story when I'm not being verbose. I can be sensitive and caring after I've yelled at someone. I can sound very experienced...

While it may seem like I'm beating myself up, I'm actually just coming to terms with the facts. Fired every three years. A string of failed or failing relationships and friendships. What does that say about me??

There are times when I think about suicide, especially when I cant imagine getting hired again or my marriage failing. I just think about everything coming to an end because I simply cant see a way forward.

I would love to end this post with a solution, but I just dont have one right now. I think this is just a necessary step forward. I have to come to terms with who I really am.

No more fighting

My business partner is a very honest, direct, calm, professional, friendly guy. In short, he's nice. He loves my girls, thanks everyone for their contribution(store clerks, etc), and always has a pleasant thing to say. Naturally, I should snap at him for every minor infraction.

It's that kind of incongruous feeling I got when I really started to think about my behavior toward him. The guy is no angel and has some definite professional growth ahead of him, but it's so 100% clear that all he's trying to do is trying to be his best. And, his best is actually a moving target, which means he's ALWAYS trying his best.

So why would I get angry with him?? There's actually no good reason. Yet, earlier this week, I was yet again raising my voice and getting accusatory.

After some thought, I realized that I have an ongoing stream of negative scenarios of people taking advantage of me, attacking me, and/or generally being rude to me. I respond to these scenarios by arguing and lashing out. Further, I realized that I've been doing this for years.

When I was a kid, my dad was so harsh and random that I would run scenarios in my head and play them out in order to protect myself. 'ok, what if he finds out how I'm doing in school?' I'd ask myself on the way home. And off I'd go, imagining what he would say and rehearsing how I'd answer. 'ok, what if he looks and sees how messy my room is?' More Q&A.

It got to the point that I was prepared for almost anything and honestly, even as a boy it served me well in thinking fast on my feet and telling an engaging story. As I grew into a man, it obviously began to serve me less and less, but it was so ingrained, I actually didnt realize I was doing it anymore. It just became the background chatter in my head - an ongoing series of harsh scenarios and Q&A.

When I realized this, I apologized immediately to my partner and he understood. I'm grateful to feel free of this burden.


'Course now he thinks I'm a freak. He'll probably tell his friends or fiance about what's going on, and I'll walk into he and she saying something like, "the guy is totally unstable....uh oh, hi Eric." And then I'll say....

Just kidding. But now you get a taste of what I've been experiencing for over 30 years.