Peeling back the layers

My youngest woke me up this morning and here I am, 5:45 wide awake.

For some reason, as soon as I awoke, I started running in my head how many times I've been fired over the years. I ran through my most recent career - say over the past 10 years or so, but then, to be thorough, went back to the very beginning of my professional career.

My first job was a co-op position during high school. I was fired for incompetence. There was another co-op position, which I was fired from, but I cant remember very much - just that I had to be a typesetter and I didn't know how to type. I was also sloppy and rushed in my work. That was 1983.

Over the next 27 years, I would be fired a total of nine times. Just imagine getting fired every three years. I would quit jobs where I was having a tough time (and probably in line to get fired) a total of three times. There are more than a dozen positions missing from my resume.

My "continual climb of success" career story is so well-worn that I've forgotten what a mess it actually is. Gratefully, I've learned quite a bit from each position, no matter how miserable or unsuccessful. The reality is, however, that the vast majority of people who've employed me wouldn't do it again.

During this time, my friendships and romances have essentially been a disaster. I've had very few friends over the years that I didn't try to become some other version of myself. My current marriage gets steadily worse year after year, where I wonder how much more time we have left. My first marriage ended in divorce after just a few months. The relationships I had prior were mostly angry (see the previous post), or fraudulent (pretending to be someone else), or passive-aggressive.

But hey, I'm entertaining. I can tell a good story when I'm not being verbose. I can be sensitive and caring after I've yelled at someone. I can sound very experienced...

While it may seem like I'm beating myself up, I'm actually just coming to terms with the facts. Fired every three years. A string of failed or failing relationships and friendships. What does that say about me??

There are times when I think about suicide, especially when I cant imagine getting hired again or my marriage failing. I just think about everything coming to an end because I simply cant see a way forward.

I would love to end this post with a solution, but I just dont have one right now. I think this is just a necessary step forward. I have to come to terms with who I really am.