Dummy

I have no doubt made my life much more difficult by not accepting the nature of my marriage and by blaming my wife and my upbringing for being in the most intimate of situations - a marriage - and not actually having any intimacy.

The past year has been a slow decent into begrudging acceptance of my life and my marriage.... a slow realization that things may change, excruciatingly slowly, at a pace that keeps us together and still miserable.

Maybe the final straw in my path toward actually accepting my marriage and wife for what they are (which, is after all, my goal) came this past week. An old flame, politely flirting with me(or maybe it wasn't flirting at all) via email, came down hard on the idea of every seeing each other. "I don't see the point, Eric."

I guess, sadly, I was being lulled into the idea of ...dare I say it in writing???... cheating.

I don't know where things would have headed and believe me, I'm grateful for her strength and now painfully aware of the lack it in me. Despite the fact that it was all very polite and jokey, I overstepped something very important.

Now what?

I guess I have few options, but after thinking / meditating about it for a while, I realized that while I've prayed for strength and vision and wisdom and so forth, I've never actually prayed for a good marriage. At least I cant remember doing so, anyway.

Praying for a good marriage, however, sort of feels like praying to love a cloudy season and brings up a host of emotions which aren't exactly productive. Because the only reality is that I am indeed married with two beautiful daughters and these are people I care about very much.