Going for it

There is so much to say and such little time.

On Saturday, we were supposed to have a nice day together, celebrating our seventh anniversary. It started off bad and got worse, essentially.

I began the day by working for an hour or so, then we left, driving north. We were both tense. I told her that I didn't feel her love. that I didn't see her passion. That I was tired of being lonely. That the only time she showed any love for me at all was when I was complaining.

Actually, the comment that started it all off was when I said that I had decided to get my intimacy needs fulfilled from other sources and she said, "so, does that mean you're going to start sleeping around." She was indeed trying to make a joke, but when I made it clear that I was irritated by her comment, the whole thing slid into the ocean.

She cried a lot. I openly and repeatedly debated the end of our marriage. We spent a lot of time in silence. And then we fought some more.

Finally well into the afternoon (I think it was like 3pm at this point), she got, in her words, "fed up." She said that I didn't listen to her as much as argue with her answers. She said that she loved me, I just didn't recognize it. She said that she often didn't feel close to me.

And so, it clicked for me then. If I am staying in this marriage - and I am - then I just have to suck it up and focus on loving versus getting. I just have to love her every minute of every day, like I did in the very beginning. Instead of the beginning, however, I have to focus on on loving her and not wanting anything in return.

It's going to be a transition, and I when I think about giving and not receiving, not getting sex or any type of physical intimacy, not getting away with lazy or sloppy behavior, my mind does sort of get fuzzy. But it's what I want to do and it's the only way to make sense of my pursuit for greatness and this marriage.

Now, instead of feeling weak about my marriage, I feel stronger.

My wife, on the other hand, has some other issues she's dealing with. My comments are still ringing in her ears and it's made her wonder, "where IS my passion??". She saw her therapist yesterday and he said that she needed to continue focusing on "becoming better," whatever that may mean, I guess. He also said that I cannot make her (or others) responsible for my crappy childhood.

And so, I let go of my angry victim life and embrace a life of loving self-sufficiency and altruism. I definitely need to think about this a LOT more...