What does it mean to treat myself well?

I am only beginning to understand that there is a role I should have, which I havent fulfilled very well. That role is about treating myself as the primary resource for getting things done; as the primary resource in giving to others; and, treating myself in a way that continually builds me up to set the example and live my life according to Gods law. 


My life has hit a ceiling because I simply run out of the esteem, energy, life experience, love and hope to move on. So, I get sick, get fired, get stuck, then, after licking my wounds, I regroup and move onward, often to repeat the same pattern again and again.


I have totally unrealized goals because I have a totally unrealistic way of thinking about myself and my life. I am always in a state of sacrifice; always investing in "the future" but not getting myself to a place of consistently being connected to others or reality. 


Basically, I deny to myself that I have ANY needs because that's what I really wish: that I could be a programmable robot that would never experience emotional pain and always perform perfectly at every task regardless of whether or not it was fulfilling. That perfection standard includes personal relationships - me needing to be the perfect idea of a friend, or son, husband, or whatever. It includes professional relationships, me needing to be my idea of the perfect boss, partner or employee. And, it includes me being my idea of the perfect me, to myself. 


Undeniably, this idea of perfection is flawed - as is the actions of realizing it - because of what I am trying to be perfect at: some kind of contrived robot/human. And, let's face it, perfection is unattainable for any real duration.


So, what does it mean to treat myself well?


The short answer, is "I dont know." The long answer is, I think it has to do with starting by thinking about what I most need, and what is in my best interests. There's so much there....

• Dont engage in anything that false - either in that is an escape from reality or how I am feeling
• A healthy body
• Strong stable of friends/ great network of professional contacts
• Loving/healthy marriage.
• Lots of happy quality time with each kid as well as the whole family
• A culturally vigorous set of experiences that expose me to lots of things that feed my intellectual curiosity and love of history, story, etc.
• A career and stable financials that helps me provide for the above
• A mediation practice
• Well-organized car, house, work, relationships

See, the thing is that it's not like I dont have some of the above, or all of the above sometimes. But, the way I go about treating myself well is very unconscious and short-sighted. I see something I want, and if for whatever reason I cant have it, I get sad and beat myself up. Sometimes I want things just to fill a hole with something - anything that will fill that hole, regardless of what it may do for me in the long run. Often, I just avoid conflict by harboring it further. 

I am totally passive-agressive, now that I think about it. I place blame on others when I am responsible. I take blame when I should make others responsible. 

Years ago, I did something called "The Work," by Byron Katie. It really helped me deal with things, but I didn't see it's full potential for eliminating my harmful, passive-agressive behavior.

I am sure it will be a very involved process that I should do ongoingly...