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Today, I succumbed to temptation, surfed some porn and masturbated like a stupid little monkey.

I am committed to removing this from my habits. So, I downloaded the free software, which will drop a dime on my behavior should I do it again. I am disappointed in myself and saddened by my failure to follow through. But, I wont let myself fall down permanently.

I did realize that maybe I got 'horny' and I struggled against the urge for a while, but I ultimately gave in. Later, I realized that I may have been facing another conflict - the one between actually working and resting. I was so tired in the morning from yet another poor night's sleep, that I really didnt feel up to sitting at my computer and typing for several hours. I limped through some stuff, but I was just dog-tired. Can someone be passive-aggressive toward themselves?

In retrospect, I should have just listened to my body, and either took a nap and worked out or something. I would have overcome the urge and taken pride in two successes. Instead, I felt absolutely terrible for betraying God and my promise to him.

In the movie Missionary Positions - another awesome Christian flick (this one's a documentary) they talk about the addiction ppl face regarding porn, and have a free app, called 3x watch, which essentially grabs the web browser file and emails it to an accountability buddy. I downloaded it.

When my wife came home and saw me chilling on the sofa, she noticed a funny look on my face and asked what I was feeling. I honestly spilled the beans. She didnt really mind and noted that if we had a better relationship she'd feel more comfortable having sex with me. 'you wouldn't have to do that if we had sex, and I know that I cant do stuff (recovering from the pregnancy), but I still could do stuff to you... but I just, I just don't feel comfortable at this point," was how she put it.

Later that night, we talked about it more and really there wasn't much more to say, except that I've been a selfish jerk to her - even as I proclaim to want a healthy and happy marriage.

May God forgive me for my actions and help me understand how to remove porn and sexual fantasies from my life.