addictions

http://www.health.harvard.edu/press_releases/drug-addiction-brain.

At times throughout my adulthood I have masturbated and had visceral fantasies for hours per day. I've always felt the compulsion but thought it was an emotional force, not a physical one.

I also always thought that 'bad luck' would come to me for 24 hours afterward and noticed that when I refrained completely from either my fantasy or masturbation behavior for days or weeks that things seemed to go my way more.

i now realize that I was essentially unruly and anxious like any addict, coming down of their buzz, feeling the frustration for another fix and trying to hide it at the same time. Naturally, that affected my relationships and probably my career, marriages, and other highly consequential situations. I am confident this is a major reason why i get frustrated at others so quickly and why i have raged against my wife in the past.

I am also confident that the 'invisible force' I blogged about years ago is my unconsious dependancy on dopamine.

There have been many times that i've sat down to work or concentrate, but couldnt because i was experiencing dopamine dependancy. i was totally distracted as if i was intoxicated.


but, meditation appears to be the answer - both in my experience as well as from this report (and others) i found online:


Achieving an altered state of consciousness makes addictive behavior unnecessary. Experience of a higher nature emerges during meditation bringing a new sense of purpose and meaning to life. This new way of being assumes urgency and priority over the desire to indulge in compulsive sexual behavior.

I think the big change is that I am finally cognitively aware of the emotional and physical process that I've been experiencing and i am inspired to change it. I anticipate a few weeks of 'withdrawal', which is actually good news since I have never fully understood what compelled me to want to masturbate and viscerally fantasize. I always saw this as losing or failing on a deep level and beyond my understanding. I always thought of it as a spiritual and emotional issue, but now that it's physical, i think i may have more control over how i respond.

Harsh Reality

Several weeks ago now, I went to a weekend retreat wherein I learned that I am not what I think of myself, or who others say I am, or what my situation is.

By meditating deeply and listening to Andrew Cohen's ideas and teaching about his evolutionary enlightenment, I came to understand a little bit more about the ruse I've been living and trying to believe about myself. Cohen's ideas on meditation have to do with totally unlinking from the chatter and labels and rote definitions of things and deeply connecting with what he calls the "Ground of Being" - that which created everything.

By the end of the weekend, I was inspired to take responsibility for everything in my life. I now have a vision for just how to do that in a very logical way. And, I cannot take responsibility for my life, without seeing things - my marriage, for example - as they actually are. Meditation helps with that. It gives me an outside perspective on things, so I can witness what's going on. As if it were another person I'm watching.

The fact of the matter is that I am married to a woman who probably has never been in love - really in love, because she doesnt know how to share herself with someone else. She doesn't know how to help someone else open up. There can be no intimacy, therefore. And there can be no real communication.

I've come to this conclusion many times before, in varying states of anger, depression, etc., but now I see it without any agenda. I don't need to leave. I don't need to feel badly. I don't need to resent her or hurt her back.

I just need to keep taking responsibility for myself.

Admittedly, finally recognizing this pattern for what it is, has created a mixture of ... somewhat defiant feelings. I'm shut down around her and she senses it to a degree. I've also been upset and seeing who I am, really - my flabby, sickly, poor, scheming self has been a bit too much to take.

That's all not important now, however. I am moving forward as quickly and responsibly as possible to take responsibility and fashion myself into the person I know I can become. With meditation and focusing on cohen's principles,I dont feel stuck anymore. I feel free.

Lessons from the Breakup

A couple of weeks ago I went on a spiritual retreat led by Andrew Cohen. There is too much to record here right now, but basically I learned that by meditating with the intention to transform spiritually (as opposed to simply making incremental improvements), I could connect with a life energy so profound and intelligent.

I also learned that I didnt need to depend on others for love and support and approval by doing this. I learned that I could set the example, because I can get my energy and focus from what Cohen calls the Ground of Being, but any casual person might call God.

I started meditating this way for two weeks and felt an immediate change. Other things happened. I had loving sex with my wife TWICE in the same weekend. I got her to agree to meditate.

Oddly - and not really importantly - I feel a bit lost and even guilty for starting to leave my old ways of thinking behind me. I used to think that my fantasy life had at least SOME merit. I used to think that I had a reason to not take responsibility for my life and my decisions.

It doesnt change the fact that meditating for 30 minutes every day is probably the most important and transformative decision I've ever made.

Everything begins and ends with me

I have finally come the place where I understand how, being more of a man - more of an adult - is what's required of me to move beyond my incremental steps through mediocrity.

My whole M.O. has been ...infected (?) biased toward(?) a kind of entitlement of servitude. I have moved from a more obvious scheming and trying my best to get away with exploiting loopholes and toward a better sense of personal responsibility. The fact of the matter is that I am not a provider and leader of my family in the traditional sense.

I cannot help but wonder if my wife would respect me more if I were more like someone I would admire. If I took better care of our house, my health, our finances, etc. Instead I have leaned on her too much and expected too much.

Now I realize that I really only have one choice, and that is to transcend my weaknesses, not indulge or ignore them. And, as far as I can tell, meditation - an honest and determined devotion to it - is the first major step. Perhaps the only one.

I honestly dont expect much more intimacy in my marriage as a result. I think that it's basically far gone at this point. Too much has been said and done to divide us in ways we can only try to cover up. She will always think of me as a bully and I will probably always think of her as not loving me. Taking that as a non-negotiable given, I can choose to grow, or I can devolve into an angry and bitter person. The fact of the matter remains that I am not fully in control of my own life, and I'm certainly not setting the kind of example I'd want my kids to follow.

I've been playing at this devotion for at least three years now and whenever I engage, I see lots of positives. Whenever I indulge in my fantasies and selfish needs I start to fall apart. So, I guess you could say that 'I've had it' and am now ready to do what it takes to evolve past the man-child stuff I've been dabbling in. I've been a dabbler.

This blog is about charting a path toward greatness. Greatness.

Amazing

Last night we went to a party with neighbors, featuring a potluck and, of all things, a talent show.

Everyone did actually have a talent - and one worth watching. Several were amazing. I left with the impression that they were kind of evolved or at the very least accomplished. Without a doubt, they were all very nice and friendly and interesting.

I did something stupid, however. As we were talking about spirituality and evolution, I told a friend that I thought I might get divorced. She reacted very surprised, annoyed, and protective of my wife, who was standing just a few feet away. Told you it was stupid.

The contrast of events - meaning my stupid comment and their ...lightness - has me thinking that too much of my thinking is about me.

Yes, this blog is about figuring out how to transcend my limited life and overcome my sad existence, but I think I am ready to broaden my focus beyond defining "me" over and over again. First of all, no one is interested. Second, it can be a rabbit hole at times.

Hmmm time to meditate.

Meditating, meditating. . .

My ego, always wanting to get its way, is all about wanting to be angry, revengeful, etc. Put it this way, I'm pissed that my wife wont sleep with me and be affectionate with me. I'm scared that my business wont succeed, and I'm basically angry at myself and the world for being in a situation where I'm beat-down by lack of sleep, stress, money worries, and zero affection.

How could I have done this to myself??

That could be a wonderful rabbit hole of dispair, etc., so I've been meditating as much as possible today. I'm trying to open myself up to that positive energy to move forward. And, I love the idea of being the change I want to see in the world - or in this case, myself.

Off to work out!