Harsh Reality

Several weeks ago now, I went to a weekend retreat wherein I learned that I am not what I think of myself, or who others say I am, or what my situation is.

By meditating deeply and listening to Andrew Cohen's ideas and teaching about his evolutionary enlightenment, I came to understand a little bit more about the ruse I've been living and trying to believe about myself. Cohen's ideas on meditation have to do with totally unlinking from the chatter and labels and rote definitions of things and deeply connecting with what he calls the "Ground of Being" - that which created everything.

By the end of the weekend, I was inspired to take responsibility for everything in my life. I now have a vision for just how to do that in a very logical way. And, I cannot take responsibility for my life, without seeing things - my marriage, for example - as they actually are. Meditation helps with that. It gives me an outside perspective on things, so I can witness what's going on. As if it were another person I'm watching.

The fact of the matter is that I am married to a woman who probably has never been in love - really in love, because she doesnt know how to share herself with someone else. She doesn't know how to help someone else open up. There can be no intimacy, therefore. And there can be no real communication.

I've come to this conclusion many times before, in varying states of anger, depression, etc., but now I see it without any agenda. I don't need to leave. I don't need to feel badly. I don't need to resent her or hurt her back.

I just need to keep taking responsibility for myself.

Admittedly, finally recognizing this pattern for what it is, has created a mixture of ... somewhat defiant feelings. I'm shut down around her and she senses it to a degree. I've also been upset and seeing who I am, really - my flabby, sickly, poor, scheming self has been a bit too much to take.

That's all not important now, however. I am moving forward as quickly and responsibly as possible to take responsibility and fashion myself into the person I know I can become. With meditation and focusing on cohen's principles,I dont feel stuck anymore. I feel free.