Where the F are we going?

This blog was started to chronicle my progression from essentially a victim of circumstance- past and present - to being a captain of my own life. Now, over two years later, I am facing the same sorts of issues, compunded by my parental responsibilities.

My primary effort was to focus on my career. To rise up the ladder and get into a position where I would give myself the freedom to make the right decsions for myself, my friends, and my family.

Secondarily, I made a big push to become enlightened, which I define as being free from worldly bs: caring about what ppl think about me; wanting to keep up with the jones's; not falling into depression and isolation. It's also fountain for love and understanding in dealing with others.

Back then, I thought I could be both. I remember joining What is Enlightenment and talking about how I wanted affluence and englightenment. I remember their patient and gracious reponses - talking about how difficult and perhaps unnecessary that goal was.

I now realize that I dont want both. I just want enlightenment, as I currently understand it. The pursuit of affluence, i now realize, just creates a constant struggle for survival. Possessions become something that have to be defended and focus on them is too great. It pulls one away from love and family, i think.

Survival, however, is no fantastic thing, and I have no idea how to 'survive' in the physical sense (not to mention how to provide that for my family) if I were to openly pursue enlightenment. I want to be a better person. I want to be with my family and connect specifically with humanity and generally with God's creations. I want my little child to be a strong, loving, transcendant person who is a great friend, lover, mother, wife - a whole person not defined by her posessions or career title. My wife wants these same things, but somehow we're not connecting on this topic.

So, onward i work. stuggling to survive, seperated from love, at a shared income of $300k. How absurd.

There's a better life waiting for us. A life that let's us travel; a life that gives us plenty of time to deepen relationships with friends and family; a life that encourages us to ask the big questions and share the answers; a life that is filled with growth and meaning. An enlightened life.

There are obstacles to this life, though.

• We dont know how much money need


• We dont have any clarity on what an enlightened life looks like


• We dont have any precedent on the pragmatic aspects of an enlightened life


• We need a grip on our financials


• We're probably too worried what other ppl think


• Obviously, we have no plan fwd

Embracing the Fundamentals

In a previous post, i mentioned that i'd read a couple of books - crucial conversations and the Now Habit. Together, they were instramental in turning around some very self defeating behavior. In the transition from my old job to my new one, I'd allowed myself to forget what I'd learned.

They are a part of a daily practice that I must embrace, in order to maintain sanity and continue my progress.

Enemy Within

After investigating Workaholics Anonymous, time management classes, and thinking a lot about my approach to work, i think i may have developed a more accurate way of thinking about the challenges in my life. A little site called adrenalineaddictsanonymous.com has a 60-page pdf that describes the happless merry-go-round of my life thus far:

• This is our simple concept. Stress is not, for the most part, a result of uncontrollable
  external forces. It is, instead, an equally uncontrollable addiction to our own adrenaline.
  Perhaps, until now, this process has been unconscious, but it is not “it”, or “them”, or
  “they”, who produced our “stress”. It is us.

Bummer. But, how true. The 'enemy' all along has been me. The adrenaline I get from my stressful situations - telling people and myself that I'll "make up for lost time on the back-end" - which gives me an excuse to drive like a lunatic; exploiting situations that have allowed me to appear as a "white knight" rushing in to save the day to provide advice or comfort, or in other ways take over the responsibility that others should have for themselves; over-promising to others and myself; dreaming up 'conquering hero' fantasies; fancying myself as being much more learned, accomplished, and talented than i probably am; and, generally rushing rushing rushing without thought for the consequenses.

It would be too easy to say that i simply am immature, or have a big ego. Those labels, while perhaps appropriate, do not get at the root of my lagging adult progress. The need for a constant buzz, however, sends problems and the need to solve them out the window. Everything is fine. More chaos creates more buzz.

I'll try to finish reading the pdf tonight - or within a couple days, at least. As well, I think i may need an executive coach to help me break the cycle of impulsive behavior and workaholic workplaces.

If I can get this under control and learn some solid self-management skills, i think i then can resume my push toward financial independance. One step at a time though. Who knows how long this will take.