coming and Going

The nature of this blog has been to chronicle my journey from mediocrity. While I have generally done a mediocre job of that so far, I can provide some perspective now.

First, some time ago, maybe 3 or so years, I decided that I really wanted to commit to having a 'loving and passionate marriage'. It's a mantra of mine, even though I haven't had a clue how to achieve that. I was in the dark, frustrated, lost, angry, resentful, hiding. I used to say to my wife that I wanted intimacy and I would say to myself and others that I wanted intimacy, also. Until recently, I always thought of intimacy as a physical expression.

Now I think intimacy has stages and paths .... degrees and styles or something. I think that intimacy is expressed by degrees of vulnerability, but it is also perceived by actions, not just words in a close conversation. We send and recieve signals all the time about whether or not it's ok to be intimate, and to which degree. And, because this is usually happening in secret with the heavy influence of emotional lessons (right or wrongly) learned from our experiences, that perception is complicated and complex. it's so easy to be ships passing in the night on so many issues with so many different types of people and relationships.

Anyway, that lack of information is vastly better than the way I've objectified and stereotyped people throughout my life. That's gotten in the way of being more deeply connected in my marriage.

My wife's approach to intimacy is informed by an absolute lack of it in her family and romantic relationships prior to meeting me (from what I can tell.) that's another story, of course.

Second, I've made a commitment to living my values for perhaps the first time ever in my life. It's totally liberating and yet daunting, of course. The past new months have been a balancing act of altruism and affluence, piety and passions, honesty and privacy, vision and action, beauty and basic execution.

There are a few examples of this commitment - I stopped swearing recently. I've devoted my career to the development of my marketing agency, which plainly states my values, and (this is embarrasing) I've stopped connecting and fantasyzing with porn. Porn is just damn evil. It ties into the objectification stuff above.


Third, I've stopped eating meat and dairy alltogether.

BUT

I'm not really good at any of the vegan-eating, authentically-intimate, abundantly-holy, superfit lifestyle I'm trying to create. I'm carrying an extra 20-30 pounds of flab, maybe more. My business isnt making any money yet. My wife and I have a lOOooooooong way to go before we have a comfortable intimacy. I still indulge in jacking off and fantasying about being some kind of universal hero. I'm still selfish a lot of the time. I'm still confused about a lot of things

But

I'm starting to develop a vision of what I can become and how I make a contribution to the lives of my girls.

It is kinda cool to