I'm not 'The Go-to'

We all know that person. The go-to. The One Who Gets Things Done. They're accomplished and can be trusted to following things through

Typically, that's not me. I'm the one who has good ideas about a lot of things. When it comes to 'delivering the goods' however, I fumble or dissapear.

This is the feedback I received at work a few weeks ago (and immediately changed my approach, btw) and this is the feedback I'm receiving at home. I wish I could say (for my own dignity) that this was new to me.

But, (big sigh) it's not.

Why? There are a dozen reasons. I've been insecure. I've been lazy. I've been disconnected from the outcome. I didnt understand. I hoped someone would take care of it. I dodged it completely so I could do something else. I was depressed and immobile. I was unorganized. I didnt think it mattered one way or the other.

Whatever. None of the above is a good excuse or reason for not being the go-to for things that pertain to my job or my family- not to mention my friends, too.

I've been complaining that the world is not a nice place, but I'm essentially not doing a damn thing about my part in this world. If I dont change, it wont either.

In an earlier post, I speculated that this job may be a kind of 'boot camp' for something greater. I was right. It's a bootcamp for being the go-to.

The Secret

I was deconstructing The Secret ( http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Rhonda-Byrne/dp/1582701709/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1219064496&sr=8-1 ) and was fast coming to the conclusion that it was very 'external' in nature. That these things ppl were getting, were all from the outside - new car, career, house, etc.

Since my last few posts, I've been very conscious of possessions, and so thinking about The Secret gave me a mixed set of feelings that I can be generating positive vibes, but within a materialistic context.

I keep asking myself - what will i be doing in 10 20 30 years?? I've worked hard to get where I am, but it feels empty.

All last night and this am, I was praying about this and hoping I'd come to some sort of realization about what my goals for the future should be. Then I realized some things:

I am afraid of myself.

I dont treat myself well - mostly b/c of the bs I subscribe to. After conteomplating it, i dont really have anything to be afraid of. I think it's just old habits and old memories that make me think I'm afraid.

Actually as I think of it, I really don't treat myself well at all. Again, here's an opportunity to look at that statement through an enlightenment context. So, if I was going to treat myself well, I'd not create issues for myself by not thinking things through. I'd think them through to the logical conclusion. I'd also find the energy to do nice things for myself that could reap rewards now and in the future.

I'd look at my whole self, my family included, and think about their treatment also. The primary thought fueling all of this would be LOVE and I would create within me and around me a focus on living well, within an enlightenment context.

It's the cool side project I've been looking for, and it's THE gateway to the bigger questions I've been asking about my future.

Prophetic Words

Remember my thoughts after reading "I am not the body; I am the soul"? (http://www.wie.org/j22/ashrita.asp )

The way fear is like love, is that it's endless. Neither love or fear are necessarily rational - but for the choice we make to engage in them.

I also wrote:
Fear is the enemy of love.

And
We become what we surrender to. I can surrender to the power of Love. I can choose that.

But, what DID I choose to surrender to yesterday?

This morning, I woke up knowing that I needed to chose love, and push aside the endless mess of fear. I cuddled with my wife for the first time in a long time, and whispered loving thoughts.

We kissed like it should last forever. And then, we made love.

It made yesterday seem all the more ridiculous.

I am not the body

During the day, my thoughts wander a bit, as my job is no longer the deep, intellectual puzzle it used to be. I've climbed to a more harmoneous plateau, and, with things running much smoother, I'm not as freaked out and stressed out all the time.

so, I have a bit more brainwidth available. I find myself on wie.org a lot, and when I'm doing relatively brain-light tasks, like building a PowerPoint deck, I listen to the audio clips.

I poke around, and find the articles very intriguing. I keep returning to this one: http://www.wie.org/j22/ashrita.asp

As I was reading, I paused to write down some thoughts:

The way fear is like love, is that it's endless. Neither love or fear are necessarily rational - but for the choice we make to engage in them.

Fear : Love

Isolated : Open/Inspirational
Reactive : Visionary
Stuck : Fluid
"Me" : "us"
Angry : Compassionate

Fear is the enemy of love.

We become what we surrender to. I can surrender to the power of Love. I can choose that.